Fight or Flight

Pursuit. It's kind of a catch 22 word. It's a word that can have positive and negative meanings. I have always kind of seen it as a positive word. A romantic at heart, I love a story where someone sees the value in someone else and pursues them with a passion. The kind of pursuit where even if the person can't be with the one they are pursuing, they are in the shadows looking out for and protecting the object of their pursuit. I LOVE that.

But, there is another kind of pursuit. This is the pursuit that we often see in movies and TV. The Jason Bourne kind of pursuit where Jason is being pursued by whoever it is that pursues Jason Bourne. It is an edge of your seat, frightening kind of pursuit. A life or death kind of pursuit.

Recently I have kind of felt that I have been caught up in the latter kind of pursuit. I really don't think that there is anyone out there with a sharp shooter aimed at my head, but I think that the pursuit that I have found myself in is even more deadly. I have an enemy that is pursuing my heart.

I have blogged before about the changes that took place in me in Serbia. I came face to face with the insecurities and fears that I have dealt with for my entire life, and I won a battle. I was able be honest with myself and others for the first time in recent and distant memory. I was able to live in a new reality that was amazing.

Fast forward to today. The last few weeks have been very busy for me. We launched a church-wide campaign this past weekend that has required a lot (read A LOT) of preparation from Life Groups. For awhile, it felt as if I would be swallowed up by black folders, labels and copies - lots and lots of copies. Add to that attendance at the Catalyst Leadership Conference in Atlanta and a scrapbook retreat - both of which were very good, but required time away from the project.

In the midst of it all, I lost sight of the me that I met in Serbia. I fell into the familiar patterns of perfectionism and self-doubt. I took every thing that was said, unchecked, and allowed it to drive my emotions and my security. As I look at it now, I realize it was craziness. But at the time, I was consumed by it, and I was frightened.

Add to this my new Bible study - the study of Daniel. A-ma-zing. It is my first ever Beth Moore study, and I am soaking it up like a sponge. I love the depth, and it has already brought the book to life in a way that I have never experienced before. It is SO relevant to today. I don't know why I never saw it before.

In the study, Beth refers to "friendly captivity." At first, I couldn't relate. I think I have a fairly decent world view. I am aware of how blessed I am. I may not always feel it, but I know it. I know there is another world to come that is the ultimate goal. This world is temporary. I am not a captive.

Duh! The very first session, God revealed that I have willingly walked right back into the captivity of my perfectionism and fears. The world thinks its great, but it's not. I can never live up to my own expectations, and God has been showing me that over and over and over again in the last couple of weeks. He has been pursuing me in what feels to me like a Jason Bourne kind of pursuit.

It's a scary place to be. Part of me fears "letting go and letting God" because I don't know how to live in that world. It is frightening and inviting a the same time. I miss the me I was in Serbia; and God has shown me that it can be a safe place, so why am I so afraid?

I am also terrified of the alternative. If I cannot take that step of obedience to live in God's reality, I will be forever mired in the insecurity, fear and doubt that characterized my life pre-Serbia. And, the enemy, who is ever pursuing me in a Jason Bourne way, will win.

I have more than once in recent weeks found myself in state of fight or flight. And thankfully, I have made the right choice. It has not been easy. I want to be obedient to God's word. I am passionate in my desire for integrity (which is pretty funny considering how often I hide behind the walls of my insecurity).

I don't want to lose this battle, and I know that God doesn't want me to either. There is so much at stake. And, I realized something as I was writing this. As I have been living out my own Jason Bourne pursuit, God has been pursuing me with the love story type of pursuit. He has been protecting me even when I am not aware. He has never left my side. It's definitely a catch 22. And while, I really have no idea where the term catch 22 came from, I know with certainty that God's pursuit of me will never change. I am hopeful that will be the catalyst that will help me to make the choice to fight and not "flight" when I come against my next Bourne moment.