Who am I?

Sounds like a pretty simple question, doesn't it? One would think so. And, I would think that I would be the best person to answer it; because, who would know me better than I do? Right? I wish I knew.

This has been a difficult few weeks for me. In my Points post, I mentioned that I had set out on a plan to get healthy, and it has been going really well. I have lost weight each week (although I did struggle last week) and instead of cutting back on the caffeine, I have given it up altogether. I have yet to really see a difference in my appearance (although others have said they can tell that I have lost weight) and I still struggle with my lack of caffeine. I know that very little of it is a physical struggle though, it is an emotional one.

I fully believe that I am at a crossroad - not so much with my decision to live with or without caffeine - but at a crossroad that will determine whether I win or lose this battle with insecurity. The circumstances of the last few weeks have brought me to a place where I see myself reverting to the old me. The one that disconnects and hides to avoid being hurt. The one I promised myself I would never be again.

I went for a long walk tonight, and while it was cold, it was quiet. The sky was clear and the stars bright. I had hoped it would clear my head. Instead, I wrestled with my inner demons. I know that I am a child of God. I believe with all my heart that God created me to be who I am. I believe that He has a plan for me. I am good with all of that. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and that one day I will be in Heaven. Again, all good.

But...

When I look in the mirror, I see -

• the chubby girl - a giant who struggles to fit in.
• the ugly girl.
• the burden.
• the reason for Jaron's disabilities.
• the failure.

I share this not in a "woe is me" kind of way, but in a "this is me" kind of way. I want to live in the freedom that comes with knowing that I am loved unconditionally. I want to be secure in who I am in Christ. I want to be confident. I want to be this amazing person that I am not. I can put on the mask and sometimes see a glimmer of who I would like to be, but the real me is a mess.

I have a great support system. I am surrounded by Christian friends and family who encourage me and who pray for me and who are pulling for me to win. I am surrounded everyday with a group of authentic, talented people with whom I get to serve. I am blessed - and yet I struggle. It's crazy.

So who am I? I am really not sure, but I believe that the choices I am making right now, which road I choose to take, will make the difference between becoming who I want to be and continuing to be the girl in the mirror. It's a scary place.