Two Stoplights

Perception is everything, or so it seems. We've all seen fabulous photographs on Facebook or social media that we later find out were just a trick of lighting, a well placed camera angle or a beautiful job of PhotoShop. Even in communication, it is not so much what you say as what others perceive you said that matters most.

I was thinking about this today as I drove to my church. I live approximately 12 miles from there, and the time to make the trip ranges from 17-23 minutes (according to Google Maps). I was excited to realize this morning that one of the routes I take only has two stoplights! The distance didn't change. The amount of time it takes me to travel that route didn't change.  My perception changed. That has to be the best route because it has only two stop lights!

I was reminded of a friend. We met in MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). She had moved here from the Washington DC area, and I had moved here from Dayton area. Fort Wayne is a relatively small town. Although it is the second largest city in Indiana, compared to the likes of NYC, or Los Angeles, we are a small town. In fact we are 74th on the list of largest cities in the US.

My friend, who lived "on the other side of Fort Wayne", shared with me that a lot of her friends in MOPS wouldn't do things on her side of town because she lived "so far away." We laughed about it because where we came from it wasn't unusual for it to be a 20-30 minute drive to get to just about anywhere due to distance and traffic.

How often do we miss out on building that great relationship, or attending that party, or going to that concert because it is just too far away? Don't get me wrong. I realize there are times when distance and cost to travel can be a hindrance. I've been there. I also realize, though, that we often are able to do things that we consider a priority, even when it may be a bit more difficult, because of the perceived value.

My friend and I did lose touch after MOPS. It wasn't because she lived too far away. It was because our kids grew up and were involved in different things. Still, I was one of the people her husband called when she passed away a few years ago. She was my friend because I didn't let a few miles keep me from doing life with her while I could.

My challenge for today is take the extra effort to visit that friend. Buy those tickets for Disney on Ice and make a memory with your child. Invest in the lives of those around you, because you never know when you might not have that opportunity. Children grow. Friends truly do move a long way away. Ultimately, people pass away. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. Please don't let a couple of stop lights keep you from the blessings that are only a few miles away.

sNOw JUST sNOw

This morning I was greeted with snow. What started with just a few flurries soon turned into what looked to be a blizzard in the making.  Thankfully, we only got a light dusting - which would be fun in late NOVEMBER but it's APRIL.

I am a beach girl to the core, but I do like the way the sun sparkles on new snow - in WINTER. I love watching the snow fall sitting next to the fireplace and the lighted tree at CHRISTMAS.  Watching the snow fall outside my window in APRIL - NO JUST NO.

I struggle with a Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I am not sure if it is a coincidence that the abbreviation is SAD, but it is convenient.  I struggle when there is no sun.  I lack motivation and I am ... sad.

Maybe that is why I am a beach girl at heart.  I know there are beaches where they have winter, but I have never been to one.  I associate beaches with sunshine, warmth and the soothing crash of the waves.  (Yes, I know they have hurricanes as well, but not in my fantasy beach world.) 

In fairness, we haven't had a lot of snow this winter.  It has mostly just been cloudy and rainy.  I got through it thinking that Spring would be coming.  I am starting to doubt it.  The forecast for our area is calling for possible snow again on Thursday.

I know that we are blessed when it comes to snow.  I live in Indiana.  Minnesotans scoff at what we call a lot of snow.  I am sure numerous Canadians and Alaskans do as well.  I am aware that Lynchburg, VA, was hit with a tornado this week, and even Hawaii, considered one of the most beautiful places in the world, is dealing with flooding.  I have no right to be sad over a little snow.

Ironically, I will just have to remind myself once again of the words of King Solomon - for everything there is a season.  Hopefully soon, though, I will be thinking about another quote, this time from Song of Solomon:

For behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone.  The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. Song of Solomon 2:11-12.

It's Time

In Ecclesiastes, King Solomon tells us that there is a time for everything, yet in today's culture, time seems to be a scarce commodity.  We each have a litany of things for which we wish we had more time, but those items tend to get pushed aside in the tyranny of the urgent.

This has been, and continues to be, a struggle for me as well.  In December of 2016, I resigned from a position I had held for the previous 8 years.  I loved my job, but due to some health reasons and some things going on in our lives, my husband and I felt that this would be the best decision for our family.

I was excited about the prospect of being home again.  My plan was to get my house thoroughly cleaned and organized, spend time with friends that I felt like I had neglected while working, and find some volunteer opportunities where I could use my gifts and passions to make a difference in my little corner of the world.  Great goals, right?

Now, fast forward one year plus.  Things look pretty much like they did in December of 2016.  The tyranny of the urgent, or in some cases the lack of, has left me struggling to find my balance.  I may be better rested, but I have not remotely met the goals I had set for myself when I resigned.

One of the goals that I hoped to attain was to begin writing again. I love to write. I have written devotionals and shared my thoughts here in the past, but for some reason, I stopped.  Honestly, I had go to my Facebook page to find the link to my blog. It was that bad, but like Solomon, I think there is a time and this is it.

So...I can't promise how often I will post, but I can promise that it will be often enough that I won't forget the web address!

Now, if I could just get my house under control...

More than a Hobby

I did something this weekend that I had not done in a long time.  It is something I used to do ALOT.  In fact, for several years, I did it at least once a week. But, in the busyness of life, it is something that has gotten pushed aside by the tyranny of the urgent.  It is something I miss.

I scrapbooked.

Now, before I lose the male readers of this column, I assure you that this article is not about paper choices, sticker options and page designs.  Sure, those things are all a part of the big picture (pun intended), but I think it is more.  And it is the "more" that I think I have missed more than anything.

To me, scrapbooking is about relationships.  I started scrapbooking when I was in MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), and I went into it kicking and screaming.  I loved the look of the pages, but I wasn't about to put the time or the money into such a project.  It wasn't until as a leadership team, it was decided that we would hold a class for those who were interested in learning to scrapbook.  Being the good rule follower that I am, and wanting to show support for the leadership team, I attended the class.  My pages, although I was proud of them at the time, were horrible, but I was hooked.

We had craft nights about every month where several of us would get together and work on our albums, get fresh ideas and share in each others lives through pictures and conversation.  It was likened to the quilting bees of old, and that analogy resonated with me.  There were a lot of stories shared in those get-togethers and a lot of memories made.

As our children grew, those early get-togethers turned into play dates for the parents and eventually a get together one day a week while the kids were in school.  There were 3 of us in that initial weekly group, and we knew each other better than we knew ourselves at times.  Over time the composition and dynamics of the group changed, but the depth of the relationships remained.  There were some deep wounds and shared sorrows, but we all grew through the experiences we shared.

Unfortunately, as time went on, our schedules got busier.  The kids got involved in sports, and we all became working moms with different schedules to work around.  We couldn't squeeze in those weekly get-togethers, but we assured each other we would still get together monthly and catch up.  But we didn't.

Don't get me wrong, I still count each of the women that I built a relationship among my friends - some among my closest friends. But there was an intimacy in those deep relationships that is hard to nurture in infrequent get-togethers.

My mantra the last few weeks has been that I miss my friends.  And, it's true.  Whether it is my scrapbooking buddies, or friends who have moved away or even friends that I see everyday in passing, I miss the peace that comes with just being able to have a conversation - to share a laugh - to be a part of their lives for just a minute.

I guess, like scrapbooking, it comes down to priorities.  I think it may be time to re-examine mine.

New Beginnings

I was struck a few minutes ago about the contrast of January and new beginnings. I mean, everyone knows that you make resolutions on New Year's Eve because January 1st is a new beginning. But as I walked around my neighborhood on an unseasonably warm evening, I noticed how everything is...dead. Oh sure, there was still the occasional left over Christmas display which was cheery, but the trees were dead, the grass is dead, there was ice and a few patches of left over snow. It could all be a little depressing if you think about it.

I will admit though that I did find beauty in the peacefulness. After the busy weeks leading up to the holidays, the chaos of a short first week back at work, and a very long day of training today, I was feeling suffocated. I truly enjoyed the week off between Christmas and New Year. I left the laptop at work and enjoyed downtime with my family, but it didn't take long for the pressures of life push their way back in as soon as schedules returned to normal.

I didn't make resolutions this year. No new resolve to lose weight. No new plan for how to have better devotions. No set reading list or bar to measure my success at any type of literary endeavor - reading or writing. In all honesty, probably because I knew they would be destined to fail. It's not that I wouldn't love to do any one of those things. I just know that at this season in my life, life is taking an extreme amount of energy on its own. Why complicate it?

Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

I have always understood this verse to mean that a man can set a goal, but it is up to God how he gets there (or if he gets there at all). Today I am seeing it in a new light. It's a very slight difference, but it changes everything. What if it means that man can plan his course and how to get there, but if he trusts God to lead him where God wants him to go, the steps he takes will be determined as in sure and solid?

For me there is a peace in that. As I trust God to lead me where He wants me to go - not where I want Him to take me, I can be assured that I will be where He wants me to be. It's kind of a cool thought, isn't it?

So my new beginnings this year, aren't really new beginnings at all. It's all about a new perspective.

Distracted

I love order and design.  I think that is why I so quickly fell in love with scrapbooking.  Although I went into it kicking and screaming, there is something about layouts and embellishments that speaks to me.  I wish I could do it more.   It seems like the creative process feeds upon itself, and lately I have only been able to really scrapbook a couple of times a year. When that happens, it takes a little bit to get back into the flow.

This weekend, I am at a camp with a bunch of other women who share my passion for scrapbooking.  I haven’t been terribly creative to this point, but it will come.  At least I hope so.

As I sit here looking around a room full of women, brought together with the goal of recording the stories of their family through scrapbooking, I am a little bit overwhelmed.  I think back over the past year and all that my family has faced, and I wonder what stories are in this room.  Have others faced the same struggles?  Have others been able to take a great vacation to spend time making memories with their family?

I have to admit that I am also a bit overwhelmed by the wealth in the room as well.  I know that most would not consider themselves wealthy, but the amount of money that has been spent on die cut machines alone could feed a host of children in a third world country.  And then, there is the paper and the brads and albums and the scissors and the punches….  We are definitely blessed.

I don’t think I have ever really thought about either of these things before.  These weekends have always been a time for stepping back from the chaos that is my life, and the last year, I came into it “hot.”  The weeks preceding the retreat were crazy busy to the point that I almost didn’t come. Once I was here, I was focused on productivity.  This year is different.  I feel prepared and ready to create.  I am just distracted.

Maybe God wants this retreat to be more than productive this year.  I am kind of excited to see what he has planned.  I do hope to be productive, but I am sensing that He is up to more.  I would love that.

Community

I was supposed to be updating my blog, but once again I found myself on Pinterest - my favorite form of distraction. With a simple click of my touchpad, I am whisked away to a world where my friends show me all the things they think are cool, and I can show them the things I think are cool, and if they think they are cool too, they can "repin" them so their friends will see that they think that they are cool, and even perfect strangers might see it and think it is cool which is...cool.

It's safe little community where I can be me without fear because the worst thing that can happen is that nobody repins my pins. Being who I am in real life isn't quite that simple. There is a lot more at stake than lack of pinning.

The message a PCC today was entitled "Don't Go Alone."  It was a message on the importance of community, and yet again, it made me cry. (Seriously, what is wrong with me?!)  Eric and Tyler did a great job of showing how community takes us from here to there - or from where we are now to the place that God is calling us to be. Their message was simple. Community moves us from:

• complacency to commitment through accountability.
• hypocrisy to transparency through authenticity.
• judgement to understanding through acceptance.
• vulnerability to security through assurance.

As I have processed this a bit, the word that stands out the most to me is vulnerability. I think it is the hitch-pin to the concept because so many of these facets are beyond our control. We cannot control how or when others hold us accountable. We cannot control whether others will judge us or understand us as we look for their acceptance. We have no assurance that when we are vulnerable, we will be secure.  The only thing that we can be 100% sure of is that we can choose to be transparent through our authenticity.

Don't get me wrong, I am a HUGE fan of community. As the ministry assistant to Adult:Life, it is not only my job but my passion to help others connect in it, but I can also see why so many people choose not to enter in. In Journey Groups, one of the main things we emphasize to our group leaders is to provide a place that is safe for those who attend their groups. But, until people experience what it is like to be in a truly safe community, they will be hesitant.

I learned a lot about community in the last year. I tasted true community with my Serbia team. They accepted me for who I was, assured me that I had a safe place to grow, and held me accountable as I took my first baby steps toward authenticity. It was an amazing experience, and in all honesty, I miss my team a lot.  I see a few of them on a regular basis, but I rarely see others, and I feel like part of my heart is missing.

I have also been reminded this year that with vulnerability sometimes comes hurt, and that people are human, and that transparency when misunderstood can get you into trouble.

God has some amazing plans for PCC. Okay, maybe I haven't actually seen the plan, but I do know that He has blessed our church with some incredible leaders with a heart to not only draw our body into "a  genuine and growing relationship with Jesus Christ" but to also teach us how to be in community with one another. 

So while Pinterest can be a great form of distraction, I don't want to enjoy it too much, because for someone like me, it would be easy to find comfort in my friend lists on social media sites and lose sight of the ultimate goal of community.  I have tasted and seen...and community is good.

Where were you...

Today is a day of remembrance in the US. It is the anniversary of the day that the terror we had heard about in other countries penetrated our border and for many became real.

It was not my intent to write a 9/11 post. In fact, I have tried hard to avoid dwelling on the events of that awful day.  This morning, during the video remembrances at church, I averted my eyes. I have skipped over most of the Facebook posts with video and picture coverage. It's not that I am uncaring or hard hearted. It's quite the opposite.

As I sat in church this morning, I realized that the death toll on that day was basically the size of our congregation. If you come from a small church, or an ultra-mega church or whatever the correct terminology is, it would be hard for you to imagine, but PCC is a mega-church of around 3,000 people. I looked at our crowded sanctuary, one of four weekend services, and the reality of that number was breath taking. We all know 3,000+ is a big number, but big numbers are never really real until you have a concept of how big they really are.

My heart was broken for the people of New York on that day, those at the Pentagon and those on the planes. I have never forgotten, nor will I ever, seeing the images. But every time I allow those images to play in my head and remember the fear, the terrorists win. There is a fine line between reminding those left behind that they are not forgotten and making them relive those terrible events over and over each year.

Before 9/11, America was sheltered and naive. Post 9/11, we are definitely not naive. We experienced a great loss - not only of lives but of innocence.

When I was in Serbia, at one point we drove by what remained a military headquarters which had been bombed. It was eye-opening. Not only because their country has been so heavily affected by war, but because just a few days before I had learned that at least one of my new friends had been in military service for his country. There was face where once there was a concept.

I wanted to share with you some photos taken today by a friend at a memorial held in Grand Rapids, but as I was writing this I realized that the album I wanted to share was on Facebook, and I don't think I can do that.  The memorial is simply called "The Healing Field."  It was one of apparently 16 memorials of it's kind set up across the US. The exhibit consisted of 3200 American flags, one for each person who died in the September 11th attack.  Several of the flags contained tags that told a bit about the person who died - who they were, how old they were, what they did, how many children they left behind. Each tag attached a real person to a concept. 

I will never forget 9/11. The irony of 9/11 or 911 was not lost on me. We were in crisis, and hopefully, we learned to value what is most important.  Not the buildings of steel and glass, but the people, some of whose stories we will never know. 

Hopefully we still hug our kids a little tighter and love on each other a little more because of what happened on 9/11. Hopefully we will be a little safer because of measures put in place, but overall, I hope that the terrorist don't win. 

Today, I am proud to be an American. Although I know that we are spoiled and arrogant and have our faults, I saw what we can do as a country when we come together, and it was pretty amazing.

Talk to my Smurf

I have a new friend. His name is Panicky Smurf. My friend, Lisa, introduced me to him, and I will be forever grateful.

Now when I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed, I can just look at my new friend and smile. He's like my own little assistant who worries about all the little details so that I can focus on the big things.

Of course, there are spiritual parallels we can draw from the above, but I refuse to compare God to a Smurf. God is way bigger than that, and most likely not as blue. And God will be there for me even when Panicky Smurf is ultimately tucked away in a drawer somewhere.

For now though, Panicky and I are buddies. Change? No problem, I have a friend who can panic for me. Website issues? Panicky is on the job. E-mail issues? No problem.

Who knew a little plastic toy could be so helpful? :)

Me 101

The last couple of weeks have been highly emotional for me. Although I can't go into the details, I know that I alluded to some potential changes in an earlier post that have rocked my world. As I have processed these changes, and continue to do so, I have been learning a lot about who I am at the core. It's been kind of a crash course.

Lesson #1 - I have a serious struggle with anxiety. I guess I have always known that I do, but I have also have always been able to stuff all those emotions and fears and retreat when things got difficult. I have learned that when retreat isn't an option, terror steps in. I have also learned the best way to deal with that terror is to be honest about it with myself and with others. Things aren't nearly as scary when you aren't facing them alone.

Lesson #2 - I learned that I am different. I see things differently and approach things differently. I want to be an encourager. I will admit there are people who just drive me nuts, and I am not always encouraging. But overall, I try to be positive and build people up instead of tearing them down. For awhile this week, I thought maybe that was a bad thing, but as I have processed it, I have come to realize that I am kind of proud of that. I hope that is how people will remember me, and that I make a positive impact on those whose lives I touch.

Lesson #3 - I have got to have some golden retriever in me somewhere. I have taken several personality assessments in my life, one of the most popular of which describes people's personalities in terms of animals.

Lion - productive, strong-willed, decisive

Beaver - analytical, self-disciplined, organized

Golden Retriever - dependable, easy-going, loyal

Otter - outgoing, fun-loving, compassionate

I am a beaver/lion. That's not really a normal combination, but it is an "I want it done now" and "I know how it is supposed to be done" combination which pretty much describes me perfectly. I do not even understand otters. But somewhere there has got to be some golden retriever because I am dependable and loyal to a fault.

Lesson #4 - This one is still a bit fuzzy, but I think I am finally learning that, at the end of the day, I have to be happy with who I am and with the decisions I make regardless of others. They haven't walked in my shoes. They don't know my thoughts. And in most cases, they don't even know who I really am.

Lesson #5 - And the biggest lesson that I am learning is about vulnerability. When I am not hiding behind the walls I used to create, I am a lot more vulnerable to being hurt, and because I have been used to building up walls to protect myself, I am finding that I am pretty fragile in some respects. Thankfully, I have also learned that I have some pretty amazing friends who are willing to come alongside me and walk with me through those difficult times.

So there it is. The core curriculum to Me 101. It's been a tough class, but I hope that I have learned enough that when the final exam comes, I am ready. :)

Can't Wait!!!

I can't wait for this weekend. At some point, I will be here:

AND here!

Either of these places on their own would be amazing, but TOGETHER?! And even better yet...the best part is that I will be with some of my favorite people! Did I mention that I can't wait?!!!!

Full

It has been a couple of weeks since I have been able to participate in 5 Minute Friday but it seems like a great way to start today. :) Here goes...

Start...

My head is full of all kinds of thoughts today. It's not uncommon. With two teenagers and a child with a visual processing disorder there are always a lot of things going on. Things I need to remember, things I need to do, things I want to do...

I wish I had one of those things Dumbledore had in the Harry Potter movies where he could remove his thoughts and store them to make room to think. Sometimes full means not having room to move.

But I am also full of good memories this week. Our trip to Cedar Point, a good week at work, thoughts of good friends, excitement for a day off.

Full is good. Satisfied. Complete. As long as it is with good things. Refreshing things. Rejuvenating things.

Stop...

Hmmm. I am not sure where that was headed. I have a feeling I will be processing that on and off all day. I think that is one of my favorite things about writing. Processing. Taking a thought and exploring it. Thanks to Gypsy Mama for making me think outside the box. :)

Not Okay

Today has been a terribly emotional day for me. I am sure part of it has to do with the physical issues I have struggled with this week, but I think most of it has to do with the fact that slowing down brought me to a place of honesty that I had not been to in a long time. A place of honesty with myself.

I realized that I am alone. I know that I have family and friends, but sometimes even in their midst, I have come to depend on the walls that I have created to protect myself. And, while those walls do their thing to protect me, they keep me from making connections - life giving connections - with others. Pretty humorous considering my position at PCC.

I thought I was past this. I really did. Post Serbia I have tried really hard to open up and to allow myself to be who I am with others. And then, it happened. I was made aware of some hurtful things and the walls began to rebuild - brick by brick - until I feel like an outsider even with my friends. It's lonely.

I see my friends hanging out together, laughing and sharing, and I long to be a part of it. But I am afraid. I have a few friends, close friends, lifetime friends, who know me and love me anyway, but I have pulled away from them as well. Much of that has to do with time and distance, but I miss them. I really miss them.

I believe it comes down to choices. All of it. I have the choice to feel lonely or to reach out. I have the choice to join in the fun or to wait for an invitation that may or may not come. I have a choice to let the hurt bury me or to stand with what I know to be true and let the rest go. God has given me that choice. Just as he has given me the choice to live with Him or without Him. He has given me the choice to find my security in Him or in others. But I will be honest, sometimes having my security in Christ is still lonely when I feel separated from those around me.

Sometimes knowing the truth has its downfalls. I wish there was some truth, some bit of wisdom, that would be new to me and would make everything better. But, I have walked with Christ long enough to know that He is my strength. He is my shepherd. He is my security. He is my Father. He loves me no matter what. He will always be there for me. He feels my hurt and my pain. He knows me better than my self, and He loves me anyway. He has a plan for me that includes hope. I want to walk in those truths. I know them to be true. I just wish they were as much a part of my heart as they are a part of my head.

I am tired of struggling. It's not okay. There are days when I want to give in and retreat, but I realize that as lonely as I feel today, I am no where near where I was a year ago. And I never want to go back to that place. I was okay then - or so I thought. I had learned to manage my walls in such a way that I never had to face the difficult or the hurtful. I never had to face anything.

We sang a song in Serbia by The Afters, Never Going Back to OK. One of the verses states:

...I'm stepping out

and I feel so afraid

but as long as I am moving it's all right...

I am trying to hold on to that. One step at a time. And hopefully it is a step in the right direction because I never want to go back to ok. At least not the ok of a year ago. For now, I am not okay - and while that is NOT ok, I guess it is better than that alternative because I know that God isn't finished with me yet. Still growing. Still learning. Learning to feel again. Learning to trust again. Is that ok?

A First

Today is a rather unusual day for me. I am taking a "personal day". It's not a vacation day -not a sick day - not a day so that I can attend a field trip or stay home with a sick child. I am taking a mental health day.

I will admit that I feel a tinge of guilt for slacking. I have things in my "to do" basket at work and e-mails to get out, but yesterday I felt like I hit a wall. I knew it...and others picked up on it too. (It's been awhile since I've had to own up to being a hammer. :) ) Anyway, I felt like a "donkey on the edge", but instead of Donkey, I was feeling more like Eeyore.

I had let my responsibilities as a wife, mother, employee and friend - added my chronic pain and fatigue - drain me of my peace. I had done it. Overloaded schedules abound, and (although I have been doing better) I haven't been doing a very good job of sitting at the Master's feet and resting in His peace.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3

I am not sure where I came across this verse this year, but it seems to be an underlying theme in my life right now. It has appeared in almost every book I have read, and it seems every speaker I listen to has referenced it. I am thinking God may be trying to tell me something. :)

So today, I am going to step back and ask God to replenish my spirit. My life runs hot - hotter than I would like at times - and because of that I have to be sure that the things that I put my energy too are life sustaining. Sometimes that decision is one of better vs. best because often all the things set before me are good. I just need to step back...and breathe...and follow. Follow the one who leads beside the still waters, refreshes my soul and guides me along right paths.

Today is one of those days, and I'll be honest. I am loving it.

Still Here

It was predicted that the end of the world would be yesterday at 6:00 pm. There were Facebook posts and tweets all day with amusing comments related to our predicted exit from this world. And, at 6:01, there were several who checked in to let everyone know they were still here. There were a few laughs, and now, things are moving on as normal.

When I checked my Facebook this morning, I noticed that a friend had posted a reminder to all her Christian friends to keep their attitudes in check about this failed prediction. She has a valid point. It is easy to mock and scorn and just be mean when we are right and someone else is wrong. Even in fun, some things are hurtful to others and to our witness.

But, while I agree with her on every level, I think it is important to remember that there are some things that we do have a surety about - one of which IS the end of the world. We know that we will NOT know the date or the time. When someone suggests that they do, it is difficult to take them seriously - to give them credence.

I will admit that I have probably missed some major opportunities with this one. I could have used this as a conversation starter..."So, if the world ends at 6:00 tonight, do you know where you will be?" It kind of reminds me of a story I once heard about a group doing evangelism at the beach and started the conversation with, "Do you know what time it is?" It seems trite and out of place.

Don't get me wrong. I believe we need to the make the most of the opportunities that we are given to point those around us to Jesus, but I think here are times when, as Christians, we are caught between a rock and and hard place.

Take the apocalypse prediction for instance. Given the above prediction we have several options of response:

• We could heed it - We could accept it and plan for it and look forward to it as we know where our place in eternity lies. But if we do, if we do, we would be saying that we don't believe God's word to be true.
• We could acknowledge it - We could involve ourselves in conversations and share our knowledge of Scripture. But if we do, we would be accused of being rigid, and it is certainly not politically correct to say that our beliefs are more valid than someone else's beliefs.
• We could make light of it - We could take it for what it is, someone's messed up idea about who God is and what His plan is for our lives. Even though our hearts hurt for the one who made the prediction, because we know that he has a very messed up view of Scripture, we can be accused of being mean spirited.

I know that was not my friend's intent. She is a loving person with a gentle heart, and her admonishment is right on. There is a fine line between humor and haughtiness. And, just as the world was watching at 6:oo pm last night for the end of the world, the world is watching us today.

I am personally torn about last night's failed apocalypse. There is a part of me that got a little excited around 5:45 that this world might be ending and things would be set right again. Even though I knew that biblically there was no way it would happen, I allowed my imagination fly away with the possibility. It was fun. But, I am also thankful beyond thankful that I have been given a second chance to talk to friends and family who would not have shared my eternity. What an amazing gift.

So, yes. I am still here. Not only on this earth, but part of the blogging community. Schedules have been crazy, and I have been dealing with a lot of issues emotionally and spiritually as well. But, through it all, God has been and will continue to be amazingly faithful. I have been reminded again and again that it is God's plan. He knows the predictions. He knows the truth. My job is to live each day as if it could be my last. But until that last day. I am here.

Garage Sales

Our association has an annual garage sale. We have participated on and off in years past, but this year, my husband has been very excited about the idea of a garage sale and has been tucking stuff away in the garage and attic since we participated in the last sale (which may have been two years ago). Unfortunately, even with the few reminders that came via the newsletter and such, we didn't exactly know the date of the sale until...Monday. Our schedule the past few weeks has been crazy with eye doctors, and dentists, and soccer games, and getting ready for junior-senior banquet, and small groups and Bible studies, so we started pricing on...Thursday. Sale started Friday morning.

It's always hard for me to price for garage sales. I try to price items based on what I would pay for them, but then again, I struggle; because if I wanted them to start with, I wouldn't be selling them in the garage sale. :)

And then there are the "bargain hunters." No matter what the price is, they have to haggle. We are doing Financial Peace University with Dave Ramsey, and he is a big proponent of not paying full price for anything, but seriously. I just sold 3 metal baseball bats for $3.00. Two of them were pretty well used, but the third was used for less than a season. The paint wasn't even marred. We had priced it at $5.00 the other two for $1.00 each. I am not exactly sure what the going rate for a metal baseball bat is at Target, but I would bet that $7.00 for three is a pretty good bargain. The good news is that the three metal baseball bats are out of our garage. I guess that is a win for both of us.

Our goal in having this sale was to work on the debt-reduction snowball plan that we set up with our FPU materials. My "nerd" husband was very excited about that. His "free-spirit" wife found a futon at a neighbor's garage sale that she wanted for the basement. So our snowball may or may not have melted just a bit. And, no. We did not haggle on her price. We paid what she asked, because we thought it was already a bargain - and we paid in cash. :) Hopefully with the addition of a couple of bigger ticket items today we will be able to recoup our "loss" even though I am really, pretty sure the futon was a gain. :)

I think this sale will be the catalyst that will help me get through the rest of the stuff that is overtaking our house. Although we will be finished by 4:00 this afternoon, Pathway has an annual garage sale that benefits the True Vine adoption ministry of our church. I wish I had a few days to devote to touching everything in my house and garage and make a decision as to whether to keep it or donate it, but unfortunately, that isn't going to happen. Where is that Clean Sweep team when you need them?!

There is just something about getting rid of "stuff" that is freeing. It creates margin, and margin is something that I just don't have enough of. Granted, some of it is self imposed. In an effort to add some margin to my personal life with things like Bible study and small group, I have over-committed my schedule. I love the fellowship these things provide, but when added to sports schedules and homework schedules, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that there are times when I am thankful for cancellations.

I think some of it is emotional though, and that kind of margin is a lot harder to create - and a lot easier to lose. It's called the weight of the world. In my case, it starts with a desire to please others that I care about - wanting them to be proud of me. Then comes the pressure of having a child that struggles with visual processing issues (which unless someone has dealt with this kind of issue, most people just cannot understand.) Then there are the normal concerns (because it sounds much less Christian to call them worries). Am I being a good parent? Am I making the right choices for my family? Am I really doing what God is calling me to do?

I sometimes wish that getting rid of the calendar and the emotional clutter was as easy as having a garage sale. But, I think that it is in the purging of those things that I really grow - looking at each decision, circumstance, crossroad and option and making a choice. Although it may not always turn out to be the best choice, it is always a step of faith. No "haggling" or "bargains," but the results are priceless.

More

More is one of those words that can have many different connotations. I would certainly want more chocolate on most occasions, but if I see more rain in the next few days, I think I will scream. I would love to have more time to spend with my friends, but adding one more thing to my schedule could seriously send me off the deep end. I have more stuff in my house than I know what to do with, and yet it seems more sneaks in every day in the form of paperwork and mail and various little plastic toys from who knows where. As you can see, I have kind of an extreme love/hate relationship with "more".

The last few weeks, though, "more" has taken on a spiritual direction. I have said before that often God speaks to me through music. Back in October, I shared the words of a Sanctus Real song that had rocked my world. I had never heard anyone put into words the struggles that I had faced every day. Although it was disconcerting, it opened the door for me to share with some people that I trusted, cry a few tears - maybe more than a few - and begin to work through some of my insecurity. It was definitely a turning point.

Recently, God has rocked my world once again through a song. This time by Tenth Avenue North.

There's a girl in the corner

With tear stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered

And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?

I'm not who I once was.

And I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you?

Yeah don't you know who you are?

(chorus)

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it

That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling

That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers

And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better

But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

(chorus x2)

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,

But what He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

(chorus x2)

You've been remade

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You are More

Tenth Avenue North

Once again, a song opened a place in my heart that I had never shared with anyone. A place I thought no one would understand. How often have I hidden in the corner for fear of being noticed? How often have I known deep in my heart that any mistake I made would be one too many mistakes for those I cared the most about and they wouldn't want to be my friend any more?

This morning, God and I were having a little...discussion. Well, it was a bit on-sided for awhile. It started out with my frustration over something stupid, but quickly turned to some deeper struggles that I have been facing. My immediate reaction was to take full responsibility and shut down - even with God. And just as my eyes filled with tears, this song came on the radio.

"There's a girl in the corner

with tear stains on her eyes..."

Do you think God knew where I was at that moment?

"...You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.

You are more than the problems you create..."

I really want that to be true. I realize that it isn't scripture, but I also know without a shadow of a doubt that God was speaking to me in that moment. No doubt.

I would love to say that all my insecurity is gone, but it's not. I can say, though, that I have grown. I have come to realize that maybe I am not as alone as I once thought.

I am also reading a book called The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg. The premise of the book is that we need to be the best version of ourselves. What works for one person may not work for another. It has been good for me. I am only a few chapters in, but it has helped me to let go of a lot of "shoulds." I am still learning what that version of me looks like, but I am pretty sure that it doesn't look like the image that I have created in my mind. And, for the most part I am really okay with that, because that image was more than a little daunting from where I am now. I am sure that there will be some sense of loss over a few things that I really, really want to be the real me, but probably never will be, but it is all part of the process.

I definitely have more to learn...but in this instance...I think "more" is a very good thing.

Fight or Flight: On Standby

Have you ever had one of those weeks? The ones that seem to go by so s-l-o-w-l-y and yet seem to be emotionally draining at the same time? That is how this week has been for me. There really hasn't been anything out of the ordinary. Eric has been out of the office, but I have had plenty of things to keep me busy. Things at home are normal - which on the best days for us can still be a little stressful with Jaron and the boys, but again, nothing out of the ordinary stressful. I have just had this deep sense that something isn't right.

I took a couple of hours off this week to spend some alone time with God. I will be the first to admit that my quiet times aren't really what they probably should be. I try to read books that will be spiritually filling, and I often have Bible verses floating through my head. For the most part, I listen to Christian music, and can often be found singing to God as I drive to and from various activities. I am involved in a Bible study and small group. But I have never been able to keep a consistent, sit in a chair, read and meditate on God's Word kind of quiet time. My mind races a million directions. I have even tried journaling prayers, and I have to admit that was probably my favorite. It is just hard to find enough "quiet."

This week though, I new that I was coming to the table with nothing. As I in my car at the park - in the rain - I just started to pray. I shared with God a lot of things that had been on my heart - some serious, some bringing tears, some seemingly ridiculous, but apparently important to me somewhere because I felt a lot better having shared them. I felt energized. Nothing had really changed, but I wasn't carrying that weight any longer.

Tonight as I listened to Beth Moore teach on the book of Revelation, I think God may have taken the opportunity to share with me something that was on His heart related to our relationship. My heart hurt as I realized that I may not actually trust God. Don't get me wrong. I truly believe that Christ died for my sin, and I am saved. But, I think because of some of the hurtful things that I have gone through in my past, I have stopped trusting God for His protection. I think that is why my battle with insecurity is so deeply rooted.

My first instinct is to call myself out and remind my self of how arrogant it would be to blame God for anything - which is true. But I think I have to own this one. I am so thankful for all that God has taught me through those difficult circumstances, and I know that I would not be the person I am today were it not for His hand in them. I know that in some instances, I opened myself up to the hurt through naivety and stupidity, but I think I am hurt that God allowed the pain to go so deep. I am afraid to trust that He will truly protect me, and if He won't, who will.

Needless to say, I have a lot to think about and process. I heard the question asked at some point, "Would you be happy in Heaven if Jesus wasn't there?" I've got to think about that one. I know what I want my answer to be, but is it? How can I break down this wall? Can God help me to tear down a wall that I have put up to protect me from Him?

The Writer Within

To the best of my knowledge I have always loved to read. Many of my most vivid memories from elementary and high school involve the library, and most of the time growing up - when I wasn't rearranging my room - I was reading - or watching Dallas, The Love Boat or Fantasy Island - but we'll leave that for another post. :)

The point is, I have always been a fan of the written word and writing. I took every English class offered at my high school and ultimately graduated from college with a degree in English. I typically don't read - I devour books. When I was bored growing up, I not only taught my left-handed self not to twist my wrist around and write from the top, but I would practice writing my letters over and over until I found a handwriting style that I liked. In fact, one of my current hobbies is annoying my children by forcing them to write in cursive whenever I can because apparently cursive hand writing is becoming a lost art. I think I am going to lose that battle.

In May of 2009, I started this blog. It was actually my second attempt. (I honestly don't remember the first one, but I did in May of 2009 because I referenced it in my first post. Anyway...) I really started it for me. I wanted a place where I could process and where I could just be me. No pretense. A place where I could share my thoughts without fear of rejection. I didn't know if anyone would actually read it, but I felt very trendy doing the blog thing.

This blog has also been sporadic at times, but it has become my friend. We have been through lots of struggles together. We have been to Serbia together. We have wept with friends together. It has been an outlet for thoughts and emotions, as well as, a place where God has intervened and set my mind back on track on more than one occasion. It has been the outlet for my secret passion - writing.

Yesterday my blogging world took a little turn. Eric asked if I would be willing to be a contributor to Journey Together, a blog that has been created to showcase various ministries and activities within our church. My first post, a weekend wrap-up entitled The Power of Our Words, went live yesterday complete with picture and by-line. My first contribution. Now granted, it is for my church, and it was not a paid contribution, but it WILL be read by more than my immediate friends and family. It was kind of a big deal for me.

I am excited about this new opportunity. It is yet another outlet where I can use my gifts and talents to serve the One who gave me those gifts and talents. Writing, like reading, is something that comes naturally to me, and I love that I get to use that gift in my ministry.

For Reals

Today has been a most interesting day. I am not really sure how to classify it.

Bible study tonight was A-MAY-ZING. I am doing a Beth Moore Bible study on the book of Daniel. We are in the 2nd half of the study which deals with prophecy and end times, and I have learned SO much. I realize that Beth is giving us only one interpretation, but it makes so much sense. I find myself putting things together before she gets to her points at times. It is really exciting to see God's hand at work in such a precise way as Beth details the prophecies and their fulfillment.

Which is really pretty humorous considering the downside of my day. The best way I can describe it is...fail. I totally allowed myself to go to a dark place which spiraled out of control in a split second. It is a place I never wanted to be again, and have been trying for over a week to avoid. I literally allowed myself to get so spun out that I made my stomach hurt, and when I left for Bible study I was having mild anxiety attack. In fact, I almost didn't go at all.

Will I ever be able to avoid this?! I am beyond tired of being this person. I thought I was past it. I really did. I realized, even as I was spinning out of control, that it was totally stupid. I have all the head knowledge in the world when it comes to who I am in Christ. Why can't I get it to my heart? Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I just trust that who I am is okay? Why do I always have to feel like if I do something wrong, no one will like me, and I will lose the respect of those I care about?

I want to believe that God loves me and is proud of me, and that He feels my pain and is sad when I am sad and that I can make Him smile. I want to believe that in His eyes, I am a princess. But I can't seem to see me through His eyes. I can't get past the hurt in my past. I know that I can't go back and protect myself from the damage that has been done. What I don't know is how to live outside of the walls that I have created to protect myself. And I have tried.

Yes, today has been an interesting day. My security has been shaken yet again. I believe the God of the universe can orchestrate to the day the times and events of the past, present and future that impact all of humanity, but I can't seem to trust Him with MY past, present and future. It's beyond sad.

So, for tonight, I will trust that tomorrow is a new day. I will pray that those who were aware of my anxious thoughts today will be able to forgive me for letting those thoughts take control, and I will begin at square one. Or maybe, if I am lucky, square two. I will once again try to trust my head even when my heart doesn't feel it, and trust that my friends are still my friends. And once again lay my shattered heart at the foot of the cross - trusting that God will make it new - this time for reals.