Conflicted

I think I have a new favorite word. It's not necessarily a positive word, but it is just a really cool word. Conflicted.

I came across it one night when I was trying to figure out just what it was that I was feeling. I wasn't happy or sad or angry or tired or discouraged or any of the other normal emotions that one usually feels. I wasn't sure what to feel. I was conflicted. In some ways, I think I live much of my life in the state of conflicted. It's not the same as conflict. Conflict implies a different meaning - one that is rooted in dissension or anger. I think I would say that conflicted is more based in fear.

It still cracks me up that I am finding fear and insecurity to be such a stronghold in my life. If you know me, it probably cracks you up as well. I am not exactly the picture of fear and insecurity. In fact, if anything, I am the opposite. From all appearances, I am outspoken and confident. I tend to end up in situations where angels fear to tread. I am typically not afraid to ask hard questions or to speak in public. These are not exactly traits of the fearful and insecure.

I think that is why I like the term "conflicted" so much. It just describes who I am. It reminds me of a scripture actually.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do,
but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15

I wish I could believe that I am the person that others see. I wish I could be secure in who I really am. I guess, in reality, the important thing is that I am secure in who I am in Christ. He loves me no matter what. I will always be his little girl and neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate (me) us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:39).

So while "conflicted" may be my new favorite word...and it may be the tag line of my life, I can still be confident in God's love for me. I can know that my fears and insecurities are not coming as a shock to Him because He made me to be who I am, and He is using others to teach about myself as well as about His love for me. That's pretty amazing, and in the midst of being conflicted, that knowledge brings peace.