Discouragement

Warning! It is 4 am, and while I am usually able to bring these posts to some worthwhile, uplifting conclusion, this may not be one of those posts. Please keep reading, but be warned.

I am discouraged, and wow, did it come on fast. I am guessing much of it comes from feeling horrible and the fact that it is 4 in the morning and I am blogging instead of sleeping. You see on Sunday, I woke up with a slightly overall cruddy feeling. My throat hurt, but it was more of an annoyance than an issue. So, on Monday, when I still had a sore throat and felt a bit more cruddy, I went to the doctor. He said that my ears, sinuses and chest were fine, but yes, my throat was somewhat infected and he put me on antibiotic. Thus began the downhill spiral.

For the last two days, I have had a cough which intensifies at night when I lay down. It wakes me up, as I am sure it does Jay. My throat still hurts, mainly because I wake up in a coughing fit that makes me feel like I am gasping for breath. And, a few minutes ago, when I woke up, I found that I couldn't hear properly out of one ear because the sound was muffled.

My house is a pit - which it was not on Saturday because we had it all cleaned up. I have nothing ready for Spring Break. I also have an overwhelming dread about taking the week off from work - which is crazy! Eric (my boss) is not worried about it, and he has been encouraging me to have a great time. I am relatively caught up except for some big tasks which I am currently working on. I know that it is all in my head, so why can' t I shake this?

Adding to the discouragement is the guilt over being discouraged to start with. Honestly, this is stupid, and I know that, so why can't I let it go. There are people who are dealing with real-life issues that I cannot even fathom, and I am whining because I feel cruddy. There are people who are caught in make-it or break-it situations and I am feeling guilty for taking vacation time which I have earned from a job that I love. There are people who have lost children and I am frustrated because my children are slobs.

I think it is times like this that I realize how far I have to go in my Christian walk - times when I question whether I am really walking the walk. I have no doubt that my faith in my eternity rests in Christ, but does my faith in today? Does my concern for others outweigh my selfish nature? Apparently not at 4am!

So for today, the prayer of my heart will be Psalm 51:10-12.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

May I rest in God's complete care and rest in the knowledge that He has a plan for me - even in the midst of the crud, even at 4 am.