Another Step in the Journey

I think I have a serious medical condition that the doctors have not yet diagnosed - and probably never will. I am not sure where it stems from, although I think I may have a pretty good idea after re-reading my last post. You see, I have a serious abnormality in my DNA. It is common knowledge that most people learn from their mistakes. I on the other hand, do not seem to have that issue - especially in the area of commitments.

I am finding there is a very distinct difference between commitment and passion. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. In or out. Right or wrong. Black or white. Unfortunately, I am finding that sometimes my commitments don't line up with my passions.

I love my family. I want to provide a home that is peaceful and safe, and I am failing at that miserably. Some of it is financial. Some of it is 3 on 2 - and sometimes 4 on 1 (but don't tell Jay I said that. :)) But creating a sense of peace and security in my home is something that I am committed to and passionate about.

I love my job. I know that I have said it before, but I am truly, truly blessed to have the best boss in the world. It is honestly hard for me to consider what I do at Pathway work. It is ministry, and for me it is also fun because I am passionate about serving God and supporting Eric. Because of that, I am committed to being the best ministry assistant I can be.

I love my friends. Although I do not spend nearly enough time with them, I care for each and every one of them. I want to be there for them when they have a need. I have given them a piece of my heart, and I am committed to them for the long haul.

I am passionate about my faith. I want to be a person of integrity when it comes to all things faith. The longing of my heart is to be near to God, I don't want anything to stand in the way of my pleasing Him. I am above all else, passionate about that.

Yet, I find that I am once again over-committed and under-rested. I have all of these commitments, and they are all good things, but they are draining me of the energy I need to pursue my passions. I have said yes, when I should have said no.

I wish I could put into words what a big step this place in my life is for me. Busyness used to be my friend. I think it kept me from facing all the stuff that I had been trying so hard to ignore for so long. But now, I long to rest - not a lazy, do nothing kind of rest, but a resting in Jesus kind of rest. The introspective kind. I want to allow God open access to work in me and to create in me the person that He longs for me to be. I want His peace. And, that is hard to find amidst the chaos of my life at times.

I am not sure where my new insights into commitment vs. passions will take me. They are causing me to take a hard look at some of my current time commitments, and I am unsettled. I don't want to just go through the motions. I think one of my new favorite words is "intentional." It may be time to do a little "spring cleaning" on my calendar. I know a weight would be lifted, but I am not sure I have the strength to do it just yet. I also know that as it is now, my schedule is hindering my journey, and I can't have that. I am way too passionate about my faith.