Not Who I Want to Be

Have you ever met someone who is confident in who they are as a person? Someone who has it all together. They look good. They have a great personality and everyone likes them. They aren't afraid to take risks? I am not that person.

I have been working on his post for almost an hour, and I have started over at least 3 times. I am just not sure how to approach it. I know it is wrong to compare myself with others. God created me to be who I am, but it is a gift for which I struggle to be grateful. I want to be little, to blend in, to be feminine. I want to be secure. I want to feel secure.

I am getting ready to go on a short-term missions trip to share God's love with a people who don't know me - a people whose native language I don't speak and have no hope to understand. Talk about putting myself out there. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I am afraid. Not so much of the culture that I am going to visit anymore. I am afraid of who I am. What if the people I am going with see the real me? The insecure one. What if in my self-discovery I find out that I don't even like who I am? How will anyone else like me? What if I actually have to wear the bathing suit I am supposed to pack?

These are the random thoughts holding me captive today. I wish I could just rest in the knowledge of who I am in Christ - that I am fearfully and wonderfully made - that God has a purpose for the way He created me - that He formed me to be who I am (whether I like me or not) - that He is sufficient for all of my shortcomings. I want my head knowledge to be heart knowledge. I want my security to be found in that.

...and I want to be assured that I will NOT have to wear a swimsuit in Serbia. I am guessing the latter will not be the case as it is a youth camp, but hey...we have not because we ask not, right? :)