Craziness

Have you ever wished your life wasn't crazy? Who knows? Maybe your life isn't crazy as mine. It seems like there is never a dull moment.

Take today for instance. A simple day. The boys didn't have school. Should have been cake, right? Well, it was...right up until the point where...it wasn't.

Michael, Ryan and Jaron spent the night at a friend's house last night, so in theory, I should have been able to get to work early and get lots accomplished. Of course, that didn't take into account the two back to back basketball practices, but we had a plan. Michael was able to get Ryan to practice without a hitch. I was planning to come home at lunch and make the transition of Jaron from Michael to Ryan and go right back to work to finish my day. What our plan did not include was the call that I received from Michael just after dropping Ryan and Jaron off at home.

It seems that he took an elbow to the mouth. In the process, he bit his tongue. Not just any bite. A nasty bite. I ended up in the emergency room for several hours waiting for Michael to get 3 stitches in his tongue. Numerous times it was pointed out that normally they don't do stitches in the tongue, but Michael needed stitches in his tongue. So, instead of a normal day at work, I spent a partial day at work, a partial day in the ER, and now, I am behind. Oh, and it doesn't stop there, I get to take more time off tomorrow to go to the orthodontist and find out if there is damage to his permanent retainer or teeth.

This may sound like I am not a caring mom, and that isn't the true. I love my kids, and I wouldn't have been anywhere else but that ER today. It is just another instance of the craziness that is my life. If it's weird, odd, out of control, or unexpected, it will most likely happen to some member of my family. Apparently, that is just the way we roll. :)

I am sure there is probably some deep Biblical insight that I could gain from further reflection, but to be honest, it's just not coming to me. What does come to me (with a little help from a search engine) is God's promises that He is always with me.

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:11

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Psalm 118:14

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:29

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Even amidst the craziness of my life, God is always stable. He is the rock that holds me together in the chaos of trips to the emergency room, and stitches, and other oddities of life. He is is the peace amidst the storm.

And I am thankful...not so much for the craziness...but for the promise that I will never face the craziness of my life alone.

Lunacy with a Capital L

I actually started to post these thoughts a couple days ago, but the thoughts in my head were spinning so fast that even I couldn't follow my ramblings. I decided that due to the nature and the details of the situation, it was probably best just to let it blow over and wait for the next wave of thoughts to come ashore. And then...I changed my mind.

I think that too often as Christians we let things "blow over" in the name of grace. "Well, we're Christians, and the Bible says we shouldn't judge." Really? Let's look at that for a minute.

One of the most detailed passages on the subject is found in Matthew 7:1-5.

“Judge not, that you be not judged.
For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged,
and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye,
but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
Or how can you say to your brother,
‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’
when there is the log in your own eye?
You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye,
and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Nowhere in this passage does it say to ignore the speck -to blow over it, and pretend it doesn't exist.

And if we are not allowed to judge in any form, how do you explain these verses:

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24

The spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one. 1 Corinthians 2:15

Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:9

I am NOT a Scripture expert. I have not been to seminary, or Bible college. To the best of my knowledge, I am not called to be a prophet...or a judge of others. But, I do believe that I am called to measure everything against the standards that God has set forth in Scripture. To see right and wrong. To decide between good, better, best.

Have you ever looked up "judge" in the Thesaurus? Let me give you a sample of what you will find. Decide. Determine. Discern (hmmm. Biblical word?). Examine. Evaluate. I could be wrong, but it would seem to me that maybe a better word for the judgment that Christians should avoid would be "condemnation." Again, I could be wrong, but to me, verses such as the passage in Matthew 7 are not a license to allow things that are wrong to go unchecked.

Shouldn't we, as Christians, be the ones to stand up for what is right? When do you make the stand? How often do we, in the premise of confidentiality, cover up something that we know is blatantly wrong? Won't we be held accountable because we chose not to act?

That's where I find myself right now. And I have to tell you, it is a struggle for me. I am not struggling with the issue itself. The specifics of that, to me, should be pretty black and white. I am struggling with the actions and attitudes of those who are involved, in positions of authority, that go so very much against what we are called to live out as Christians. Cover ups for the sake of appearances. (White-washed tombs?) Decisions based more on concern for the institution than on concern for its people. (Hypocritical?)

I am the first to admit that I am not perfect. I fail - regularly - in my walk with Christ. It's called sin. I would like to think I do it less now than I did before, but in reality, sin is sin. If it's in my life, my rag is filthy. Every evil thought - or in my case sarcastic is probably the better analogy - pounds that nail a little deeper in to Jesus hands and feet. I am not proud of that.

I think I am just disappointed. I would hope that in the community of believers there would be a difference. There would be a higher standard. I would hope that people would be the priority. But I am reminded more and more that Christians are sinners who have found a Savior, and that our Savior isn't finished with us yet. I can only pray that the decisions that have been made will not come back to hurt innocent people. Am I condemning those involved? No. But, I am looking at their actions, their words and their motives and holding them up to the standards that I see set forth in Scripture - and they are falling short. Is that judgment? I guess so.

For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged,
and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

Is it wrong to hope so? It's kind of scary, but I hope that those who care about me will not allow me to sin unchecked and brush it away in the name of grace. I hope they will hold me accountable to the standards set forth in Scripture.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. (Galatians 6:1)

I will fail, and I will fail repeatedly, but I never want to pretend it is okay or try to hide my indiscretions in the name of grace. To me, that is the definitions of lunacy with the a capital L.

What a Difference A Day Makes...

Tomorrow is a day - just like any other day of the year. Yet for many, me included, it is something more. It's a new beginning. It's a time for a fresh start. For some reason, we believe that because it is the beginning of the new year, none of the failures or disappointments of the past year matter. It's January 1st! We're invincible, right? :)

So, in honor of this magical day, I think it is time that I set some resolutions on the table. (Besides, what better way to ensure that I remain humble throughout the entire year than for it to be evident to all who read my blog where I am not nearly as invincible as I will think I am tomorrow. :)

My 2010 Resolutions

Body

• Oh, let's see...let's do something novel...let's plan to lose weight. I am not going to tell you how much weight I would like to lose, but I will tell you it is my goal to get back into my size 10 jeans.
• I also resolve to do something nice for my body at least 6 times this year. This could be a manicure, pedicure, massage, haircut, or anything that makes me feel pampered. Hot tub anyone?
  

Mind

• I will read at least 12 books this year. Some will be spiritual, but some will also be books purely for fun.
• I will scrapbook at least 25 pages - not including any pages scrapbooked at retreats.

Spirit

• This is a biggie. I am going to commit to going on a mission trip this year - and not just any mission trip. Assuming all goes as planned, I will be going to Serbia this summer. I am sure you will be seeing more about this in later posts, but suffice it to say, God is totally laughing at me right now.
• I also will be more committed to regular quite times and strengthening my relationship with God through the books I choose to read, scripture study and prayer.

So there you go. The plan for the year. That along with getting my house in order, being the best mom and wife that I can be as well as the best ministry assistant in the world. :) It looks to be a pretty extraordinary year. And, I know it's possible because tomorrow is the start of a new year. Right? :)

What I Have Been Given

I am always amazed by my children this time of year. Although they have every toy known to man - except an X-Box 360 and PS3 (or X-Box or PS any number for that matter) - they still find so many things they "want" for Christmas. And, I am not going to deny that I have my own list as well - an expensive list. Mainly because if it isn't expensive, I probably would have bought it myself. :) But I digress...

This Christmas has been a lot of fun for me. My love language is gifts. Flat out. Acts of service and words of affirmation are probably a very close 2 and 3, but there is no doubt about number 1. I love to give gifts to family and friends - for everything, and this year, along with our other giving, we were able to host two surprise Christmases for friends and their families. It was awesome! It has been, by far, the best part of my Christmas season.

This year has been a struggle for me. If you have followed my blogs for some time, you will have walked through some of those struggles with me. And now, they are compounded by my physical issues as well. We have struggled with teenagers and motivation. We have family members and friends who have been out of work for some time. There have also been times when I questioned whether or not I should be working or if I should stay home.

It hit me tonight that Christmas is really less than 3 days away, and apart from the get-togethers listed above, I really haven't been able to enjoy most of it. I love everything about Christmas, and yet there have only been a few moments this year when I have really been able to take in the wonder of the lights and music and festivities. That scares me a little bit.

I am reminded of a song by Casting Crowns.

While You Were Sleeping

Oh little town of Bethlehem
Looks like another silent night
Above your deep and dreamless sleep
A giant star lights up the sky
And while you're lying in the dark
There shines an everlasting light
For the King has left His throne
And is sleeping in a manger tonight

Oh Bethlehem, what you have missed while you were sleeping
For God became a man
And stepped into your world today
Oh Bethlehem, you will go down in history
As a city with no room for its King
While you were sleeping
While you were sleeping

Christmas is such a precious time of year. I don't care if you are fans of Santa or if you choose to be on the "naughty" list. Christmas is a time of wonder. It is a time of giving. It is a time to remember THE gift that was given. A time to reflect on the gifts given to us throughout the year. And, I have been missing it because I have been bogged down in the muck of the past and present.

I realized too, tonight, that I have been given some really special gifts already - ones that don't have ribbons and bows, but that show God's love and goodness for me.

The first is my family. Even though we don't always get along, and the kids can drive me over the edge of insanity from time to time, we are still a family. There are no quarrels over visitation or step families with which to contend. And, while I know that there are families out there who are blessed by a second marriage, I am blessed that I am married and have not had to lose a spouse.

Another blessing is my home. It's not in the most expensive or trendiest neighborhood in town, but I live in a home with heat and enough rooms that each of my children can have their own bedroom. We have a two car garage with two cars to go in it. And while there are parts of it that are in need of repair, our mortgage is current and I do not need to have bars on my windows to feel safe.

My third gift is my job. I was not raised in a church, and I remember finding out one time that my aunt worked at her church. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. And now, I get to do that every day. God blessed me even further by giving me the best boss in the world, and I believe that with my whole heart. Seriously. I have worked in many different types of office environments in the past, and none comes close to the great relationships that we have at Pathway. It is a gift.

I have also been given the gift of a church family. A really, really big church family. From that family, God has given me some deep friendships for which I will be forever grateful. Pastor Ron, the staff, my small group - past and present, my boss and his wife, so many people who have touched our lives in the last 5 years. These are the people who speak into my life and help me to grow as a person. I am blessed.

I don't want to sleep through Christmas this year. It's not about the naughty and nice list. I don't want to sleep through the most amazing gift of love ever given. Jesus came so that I might not have to walk the path of this past year (or any year) alone, and He has given me an incredible support system. He has blessed me in so many ways, and I want to celebrate each and every gift this season - and every day to come.

Complexity

I am taking a break from the current task at hand. I need a chance to clear my head and hopefully regain some balance as I take a step back from the mountain that is before me.

You see, we recently started allergy testing with our youngest son. It was our hope that maybe it would shed some light as to why he is so small and struggles in school. My biggest fear was that he would be allergic to gluten. It appears my fears were not big enough.

Jaron has an intolerance to not only gluten, but also corn, pork, sugar, nightshades, and oxillates. Broccoli, cucumbers, tomatoes, potatoes, sugar, sweeteners, garlic, and peanut butter to name a few specifics. But, it gets better. As I was looking through the materials given to us, I found a two page, two-column list of things that might be derived from corn that we are also supposed to avoid - most of which I can't even pronounce, not to mention remember. It's overwhelming and complex. And, each time I think I am ready to dig in and hold on, I am frozen by the enormity of the task.

I think it is because I am an "all or nothing" kind of girl. I think I always have been. I may have blogged about it before, but I have pretty much a black and white mentality. If there is a rule, it should be followed. If I am asked to do something, I should do my best. If I start a project, I want to finish well. Usually that is a good thing. Unfortunately at times, it stifles my ability to move. When the task is too great, I am afraid to take the first step - especially when I am afraid I am going to fail.

I am starting to see a trend in my thinking lately. Fear. I wish I could say it was the "fear of the Lord" that is helping me to be a more godly person, but it's more oft than not just plain fear. Fear of letting others down. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of failure.

I am reminded over and over that God will not give me more than I can bear with Him, but (watch out for the lightening bolts) what if He's wrong? What if I am not able to handle life with three boys, or even one teenager, or a learning disability, or food allergies or fibromyalgia? What if I can't handle them together? What if I fail to be the witness that He is calling me to be of His grace and mercy? What if I fail in the only thing that really matters - pleasing God?

God has entrusted me with some pretty heavy issues to deal with in recent months, and I honestly don't feel I am doing a very good job. While on the outside I attempt to handle them with dignity and grace, on the inside I am terrified and desperately seeking peaceful waters. Yearning to lay down and to rest, but unable to let go, because if I do, I might fail. I am not sure if that's complex or psychotic!

I guess it's times like these that make our faith our own. The times when we don't have the answers and yet we move ahead - even if it be ever so slowly - because we have hidden God's Word in our heart. Because we know - even when we don't feel it - that He is our "forever friend." Because we trust that He has plan to prosper and not to harm us. Because we know that He has promised to never forsake us. Because we hold tight to the knowledge that He loves us. Maybe it's not a matter of complexity, but making the simple choice to step - even a baby step - and trusting that if we fall, God will be able to use our trials for His glory. No, that's not complexity...that's faith.

Something about Nothing

I find it amazing that I can have so many thoughts flying around in my head and yet when I attempt to write them down, I don't even know where to begin. I know that some are not fans of the Harry Potter series, but there is one thing in particular in those stories that appeals to me. Professor Dumbledore is able to clear his head when he needs to think by simply removing the clutter from his brain and storing it until it is needed. How AMAZING would that be?

There have been so many changes in my life since the last time I posted a blog on my Verizon site. Overwhelming, life changing things. Things that I am still processing. Sensory overload. I am finding it really hard to rest beside the quiet waters like a good sheep. I feel like running in so many different directions, and yet I am frozen. It's honestly kind of weird for me. There is so much going on and yet so little that I can grasp. So little that I can control.

I am so thankful for the prayers of those around me, even though I struggle to ask for those prayers. I am beginning to see a different side of me. The real me. The me that scares me.

I am a huge fan of The Biggest Loser, and part of me wishes that I had the opportunity (and the guts) to do the show. As scared as I am of Jillian, there is part of me that wants her to break through the walls that I hide behind and help me to learn to accept the person I really am on the inside - even to help me find that person, because sometimes, I am not even sure what she looks like. And then, there is Bob. Bob is always there to pick up the pieces that Jillian breaks down and help the contestants see the beauty of who they are. He encourages them to be all that they can possibly be and that nothing is impossible.

The sad thing is that I shouldn't need Bob or Jillian because God is already my best coach and biggest cheerleader. He sees behind those walls, and He wants to break them down. He wants me to see myself the way He sees me. And as for Dumbledore, God wants me to give him all of those thoughts that I want to empty from my head so that I can rest in His peace. The only thing standing in my way - is me.

So for tonight, this first real post, is just a little bit of something about nothing. It's just a few ramblings filtered through a lot of random thoughts. But, it's also a glimpse into the chaos that rules my brain at times. Kind of scary, isn't it? :)

A New Beginning

It would appear that my old blog is broken. For some reason, it never changes. Aren't blogs supposed to be interesting and/or fun to read? The old one was sporadic at best in its attempts at updates. It struggled for life. And...I could never tell anyone where it was because it had a ridiculously difficult ip address. Well...no more. It's my new, improved, and hopefully easily update-able blog. :)

Welcome to the scary world of my thoughts and ramblings. Make yourself at home.