Sunday, April 25, 2010

An Art Form I Could Live Without

"Perfectionism is insecurity as an art form." (Beth Moore)


Yesterday, I attended a Beth Moore simulcast on her new book, "So Long Insecurity - You Have Been a Bad Friend to Me." This was a huge step for me in more ways than you can imagine. First of all, I have not been a fan of Beth Moore. (I can hear the collective gasp from those familiar with her studies, but hear me out.) It's not that I wished her ill or anything evil like that. She just reminded me of another speaker whom I once watched who seemed extremely Bible-based at the time, but now is the leader of a movement that it would be safe to say is a cult. There was nothing Beth had ever said or done to make me believe that she might go down the same path. It just concerned me that they seemed so much alike, and Beth already had such a huge following. I never even gave her a chance.

It was also a huge step because I knew if I went that God would expect a response - a response that I am still not sure that I am able to give. As I listened to Beth speak, totally loving every minute of it, by the way, I saw in myself so many of the things that she shared. And, I couldn't help but be convicted by what she said, because it is my life. My conflicted life.

Beth shared that insecurity isn't an "issue", it is unbelief. And, as much as I would like to say that isn't true in my case, it really is. If I believe the Bible, and that it is the infallible word of God, then I have to believe the parts about God's love for me and about how important I am in Him. I have to believe that He has a plan and a purpose for my life, and most importantly that He created me to be who I am in order to use me for those purposes. If he created me to be who I am, why am I so insecure? Why am I so afraid of what others think?

I still don't really know the answer to that question. What I do know is when Beth said that insecurity is unbelief, I was convicted. It is one thing to say that I am insecure as a person, it is an entirely different thing to say that my life is characterized by unbelief. That is frightening.

So, while I still do not know exactly how to get past my insecurities, I know that something needs to give. The life I have been living, driven by fear, has got to stop. God has blessed me with an awesome life, an awesome family and awesome friends - and He created me to I still want to do what I do well, but I don't want it to be for the wrong reasons. And, I never want my faith to be called in to question because of my unbelief in myself.

Who knows, you might even find registered for the next Beth Moore Bible study. My friends just might be on to something big. :)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I think I have a new favorite word. It's not necessarily a positive word, but it is just a really cool word. Conflicted.

I came across it one night when I was trying to figure out just what it was that I was feeling. I wasn't happy or sad or angry or tired or discouraged or any of the other normal emotions that one usually feels. I wasn't sure what to feel. I was conflicted. In some ways, I think I live much of my life in the state of conflicted. It's not the same as conflict. Conflict implies a different meaning - one that is rooted in dissension or anger. I think I would say that conflicted is more based in fear.

It still cracks me up that I am finding fear and insecurity to be such a stronghold in my life. If you know me, it probably cracks you up as well. I am not exactly the picture of fear and insecurity. In fact, if anything, I am the opposite. From all appearances, I am outspoken and confident. I tend to end up in situations where angels fear to tread. I am typically not afraid to ask hard questions or to speak in public. These are not exactly traits of the fearful and insecure.

I think that is why I like the term "conflicted" so much. It just describes who I am. It reminds me of a scripture actually.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do,
but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15

I wish I could believe that I am the person that others see. I wish I could be secure in who I really am. I guess, in reality, the important thing is that I am secure in who I am in Christ. He loves me no matter what. I will always be his little girl and neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate
(me) us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:39).

So while "conflicted" may be my new favorite word...and it may be the tag line of my life, I can still be confident in God's love for me. I can know that my fears and insecurities are not coming as a shock to Him because He made me to be who I am, and He is using others to teach about myself as well as about His love for me. That's pretty amazing, and in the midst of being conflicted, that knowledge brings peace.