To the Least of These

And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ John 16:33

Have you ever really considered this verse? It's takes the "golden rule" to a whole new level, doesn't it?  "...you did it to me." 

Consider the following:

On December 23, a little girl was reported missing in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Rescue workers and volunteers searched for her to no avail. Several days later, it was reported that she had been through one of the most brutal, gruesome murders anyone could ever imagine.  "...you did it to me."

This little girl lived in an area with 24 homes, 15 of which housed convicted sex offenders. "...you did it to me."

Last week in Atlanta, Georgia, 42,000 high school and college age students raised over $3,000,000 to help end the slavery and sex trafficking of young girls around the world - including right here in the U.S. Girls as young as five who are being exposed repeatedly to horrific acts of violence.  "...you did it to me."

This past week, a little girl here in the U.S. from the Ivory Coast was refused care at a local hospital because she is a medical mission baby and doctors didn't want to take responsibility for her. "...you did to me."

And just yesterday, I read an article about a child with medical disabilities who is being denied a life-saving transplant because a medical team doesn't believe that her quality of life is such that it should be saved - even though her parents and family members want to provide the organ and the financing for the procedure. "...you did it to me."

My heart breaks when I hear these stories. They are the essence of depravity and yet God says that whatever we do the least of these...we do it to Him. Shouldn't that frighten us? Shouldn't it make us be better? And yet how often are we content to go through life pretending that none of this exists. That we are above it. That it doesn't happen here. But it does.

When are we going to stand up and make it stop? When are we going to be the voice for those who do not have one? When will we make a difference?

New Beginnings

I was struck a few minutes ago about the contrast of January and new beginnings. I mean, everyone knows that you make resolutions on New Year's Eve because January 1st is a new beginning. But as I walked around my neighborhood on an unseasonably warm evening, I noticed how everything is...dead. Oh sure, there was still the occasional left over Christmas display which was cheery, but the trees were dead, the grass is dead, there was ice and a few patches of left over snow. It could all be a little depressing if you think about it.

I will admit though that I did find beauty in the peacefulness. After the busy weeks leading up to the holidays, the chaos of a short first week back at work, and a very long day of training today, I was feeling suffocated. I truly enjoyed the week off between Christmas and New Year. I left the laptop at work and enjoyed downtime with my family, but it didn't take long for the pressures of life push their way back in as soon as schedules returned to normal.

I didn't make resolutions this year. No new resolve to lose weight. No new plan for how to have better devotions. No set reading list or bar to measure my success at any type of literary endeavor - reading or writing. In all honesty, probably because I knew they would be destined to fail. It's not that I wouldn't love to do any one of those things. I just know that at this season in my life, life is taking an extreme amount of energy on its own. Why complicate it?

Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

I have always understood this verse to mean that a man can set a goal, but it is up to God how he gets there (or if he gets there at all). Today I am seeing it in a new light. It's a very slight difference, but it changes everything. What if it means that man can plan his course and how to get there, but if he trusts God to lead him where God wants him to go, the steps he takes will be determined as in sure and solid?

For me there is a peace in that. As I trust God to lead me where He wants me to go - not where I want Him to take me, I can be assured that I will be where He wants me to be. It's kind of a cool thought, isn't it?

So my new beginnings this year, aren't really new beginnings at all. It's all about a new perspective.

Christmas Spirit

It's that time of year when kids of all ages start making their lists and checking it twice. And, while I know that I am not supposed to be a fan of the commercialism of Christmas, I am a huge fan of the beauty and excitement and childlike faith that this season can bring.

I grew up believing in Santa Claus but not knowing a whole lot about God. It wasn't until jr. high/high school that I began attending youth group with friends and began my relationship with Him. And you know what, I have never confused the two.

One of my most vivid childhood memories is from a Christmas Eve night many years ago. The house was dark and everyone was asleep when I was awakened by the sound of something in the house. When I peeked around the corner into our living room, there was a fire in the fireplace and Santa was putting a present behind our lighted tree. I didn't want to get caught, so I scurried back to bed and pretended to be asleep. I even heard the bells on Santa's sleigh as he departed for the next house on his list.

There are few things you should know about this story. First of all, my mother would never have left the Christmas tree lights on overnight. I am not even sure the fireplace in our house was functional because I don't remember there ever being a fire in there with the exception of that night, and there was no dad, relative or family friend who would have dressed up to be Santa at our house in the middle of the night. You should also know that the doll that I had asked Santa for was in that exact spot when presents were opened that Christmas morning.

The faith of a child.

I am not a child anymore and there has been more than enough reality in my life to crush the spirit of the little girl who continues to believe that she saw Santa in her living room. My faith is now in a Savior who gave me the greatest gift ever - not a doll that I no longer possess - but His life for mine. A belief that there is more to life than any toy or gift that can be brought in a sleigh, and a promise that one day, instead of hiding from my benefactor, I will run into His open arms.

Jesus really is the reason for the season, but I never want to lose the childlike wonder I had for Christmas when I was a little girl peeking around the corner at the picture perfect Christmas scene unfolding in my living room. And who knows, I might even write a letter to Santa this year. Why? Because it is fun to believe. :)

Sometimes I Forget...

...that I have fibromyalgia. That the constant pain that I feel isn't going to go away, and that it is something that I need to manage.

...that on top of the fibromyalgia I have bone on bone in my neck and in my lower back. That the constant pain affects my moods, but that it can't control them.

...that I have a child with special needs, and although he is fully functional and many aren't aware of all that we go through, it is a difficult road to walk.

...that I am 45. That my mom may not always approve of decisions I make, but that I have to do what is right for me.

...that I struggle with a seasonal affective disorder which sneaks up and drags me down.  That I need to watch for the symptoms and catch it before it gains control.

...that I have amazing family and friends that are standing behind and believe in me even when I struggle with the deep-rooted insecurity and fear. That my value to them in not found in what I do or how I feel, but in who I am...and who I am is ok.

BUT...

God never forgets. He looks at me through eyes of love, and He wants the very best for me. He wants to carry those burdens that I tend to hold on to - thinking of them as "my cross to bear." Does it hurt Him when He asks to carry those burdens, but I hang on to them? Is He disappointed? Wasn't His cross enough?

The best part is, regardless of how I feel...regardless of the circumstances...regardless of how tight I am holding on, He is right there waiting for me to let go and let Him. And in that, there is freedom to be found. All I have to do is...remember.

A Mom's Heart

As I lay here tonight on a cushioned bench in a hospital room while my youngest son is attached to a ton of wires and wearing a gauze turban for a 24 hour EEG, I can't help but reflect a bit on being his mom. Being a mom in general really.

Life with Jaron has always been a bit of a challenge.  Shortly after our first ultrasound, we were told that there was a possibility that Jaron's life would be very short lived.  There were indicators that our baby might be a trisomy 13 baby.  Prior to that point, I had never even heard of that.  It was suggested that we undergo an amniocentesis so that we would know what we were facing. We assured her that whatever the outcome, we would be having our baby.  We agreed to the test as it would affect what medical staff would be ready at the birth.  It was that test that told us that Jaron would be a boy - and that he was NOT trisomy 13.

As much as I had hoped that was the end of our worries and that our beautiful baby boy would be fine, that hasn't exactly been the case. He has struggled with developmental motor skill delays which have affected every aspect of his growth.  He is smaller than many of the boys his age, and struggles with some speech issues, which added to the motor skill has caused him, and his mom, more than a few tears.

And now, with the onset of periodic seizures, it is just one more strike against this sweet, little boy who wants nothing more than to be a normal 5th grader and be included with other boys his age.

I feel responsible.  If I had been more careful during his pregnancy would things be different?  If he hadn't fallen and hit his head on that trip to Canada would he be okay?  If I had spent more time playing with him when he was a baby, would his motor skills be delayed?

I find myself at a very fine line. My faith tells me that Jaron is the unique individual that God designed him to be.  We are blessed to have such a sweet-hearted little one who makes us laugh on a regular basis.  One who causes us to slow down because he truly only knows one speed - Jaron speed - and that he is growing at precisely the right rate for Jaron.

But...there are so many voices that tell me otherwise.  The voice of insecurity that tells me that I am not enough. The voice of condemnation that tells me if I had been a better mom, things would be different. Even the voices of others who seem to know so much more than I do about being a good parent.

I know that in this, as in every aspect of my life, I have a choice as to which voices I listen to.  But if I am honest, this is probably the area that I struggle the most with making the right choice. Because in the quiet moments - moments like tonight - those other voices are so loud, and the evidence seems to be in their favor.  Yet, God continues to speak in that still small voice reminding me that He is always in control, and He is bigger than even this.

I hope His voice wins the battle tonight because this mom's heart is struggling.

Joy

Did you know that joyless-ness is a sin?  I never really thought about it that way, but it's true.  We are commanded in the Bible to rejoice and to be joyful in our circumstances, so if we willingly choose to disobey the command...


I have not exactly been joy-full lately. That's mostly why I haven't been posting.  Kind of the..."If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" mentality.  I've been really, really busy with work, and processing a lot of things.  My schedule has been in overdrive too.


John Ortberg refers to my condition as "hurry sickness."  It's like multi-tasking on steroids, and in all honesty, I don't like it.  There has been no down time, and there is a never-ending list of things to do that taunts me all the time. It's not fun. It's not healthy either.


So, this weekend I ran away.  Actually, I went to visit a friend, and although our visit was cut short by responsibilities at church, the time we spent together was good for both of us.  There was a lot of laughing, great shopping, Chick-fil-a and Panda Express.  It's something we should do on a regular basis, but the three hour distance, along with both our busy schedules, prevent it as often as we would like.


In my last post, I mentioned Eric and Tyler's message on community.  One of the questions that came out of that message was "What is my 'here'?"  I have been thinking a lot about that.  If I were to sum it up I would say that my here includes a lot of upside down priorities and hurt feelings.  I have allowed circumstances and unresolved issues to steal my joy. I chose to let my "here" cause me to sin.


The good news is that there is still a "there."  For me, it is the spiritual discipline of slowing.  It involves stepping back from the "hurry" and resting in the knowledge that who I am in Christ is enough.  For me, it's more than resting, it's learning that who I am in Christ is enough.  I cannot do everything that I am being asked to do, and that is okay. Who I am is not dependent on what I do. (That's pretty hard for this perfectionist to get her head around. :)) 


While I have made massive strides in reclaiming my joy this weekend, I know that the road to my "there" is probably going to be a long one.  At least now, I have a map, and the plan is to rekindle my joy and take the scenic route - want to come along? :)

Just Stop

Oh how I wish...I wish I could make it all stop - the doctor's appointments, the children's bickering, the constant noise, the mistakes I make over and over again, the chaos that is my life. There are so many times I just want it to stop.

But...

That isn't the way it works. The appointments will continue to come, the children will continue to bicker, there will always be noise, and I will make mistakes. God doesn't always calm the storm, but he wants me to...just stop.

This morning's sermon at PCC made me cry. I went into it not realizing how applicable it would be to my life, but as Pastor Ron wrapped up his sermon series on Sandyland, he hit a homerun to my heart. Today's message was on time - well actually, it was on taking time to rest.

• Rest to make room for God
• Rest to embrace my limits
• Rest to cultivate a deeper trust in God
• Rest to prioritize what really matters

He made a lot of great points about all of us having limits, and God is God and we are not, but that wasn't what really captured my attention. As he was wrapping up, he made the statement:

"Hurry weakens us to the attacks of the enemy."

The last few weeks have been really crazy. I have been caught up in appointments and meetings and schedules and making mistakes and fixing mistakes, and trying to be everything I need to be for everyone and failing at every step. I am exhausted. I knew I needed to stop, but it was just one thing after another, and I didn't. And...I have been weak when attacked.

I am not really proud of my last post. That doesn't make what I shared any less true, but I have realized that when I allow those feelings to take root, I have added sand to my solid foundation. God is God, and I am not.  I may not be able to see how it all works, but God can work miracles, and I discounted that. I traded hope for despair.

I am not sure what rest will look like for me in the upcoming days and weeks, but I have to just stop. I have to spend time being refreshed by the one who gives me my strength. Probably no surprise, but God has been speaking to me through a song recently.

You must, you must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Well forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong

But this looks like more than I can do

On my own.

I know I'm not strong enough to be

Everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up, I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me?

Lord, right now I'm asking you to be

Strong enough, strong enough

For both of us.

Well, maybe, maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

'Cause when I'm finally, finally at rock bottom

Well, that's when I start looking up

And reaching out

(Chorus)

'Cause I'm broken

Down to nothing

But I'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God

And you are strong when I am weak

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

And I don't have to be strong enough, strong enough

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength

And I don't have to be

Strong enough, strong enough

(Chorus)

Strong Enough - Matthew West

I will be resting in the promise of these words this week.  I KNOW I am not strong enough, and my prayer is that He will be strong enough for both of us.  But, I know that first, I have to stop fighting and let Him be God. Just stop.

On the Outside Looking In

That's a statement that pretty much sums up how I view my life sometimes. I have attachment issues. Those who know me are probably laughing at the moment, but it's true. I tend to stay back in the shadows most of the time.  I am not afraid to be up front, don't get me wrong, but when I am in a group of people, I tend to be pretty quiet and disconnected. It works for me...most of the time.


This week has been really difficult. I have mentioned some eminent changes in past posts, and I haven't handled them well. My comfort zone isn't comfortable anymore, and even though it seems like nothing has changed from the outside, things have changed considerably on the inside. For one thing I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that maybe I haven't grown as much since Serbia as I had hoped. There is still a lot of insecurity in this girl, and that insecurity can get her into a lot of trouble.


I have also come to realize that men scare me. Again, don't get me wrong, I love my husband, and I think men are a great gift from God, but I don't know how to relate to them. I am afraid of overstepping my bounds and not being who they want me to be. I've never had a dad or a big brother, and I carry a pretty deep scar from a previous relationship that often leaves me on unstable ground. The pleaser in me is a nightmare because I always fear that I am never enough - always and never. Two of those words that shouldn't be part of anyone's vocabulary, and yet they are so prevalent in mine.


These are the times when faith is hard is for me. I know that God is big and sovereign and that He loves me no matter what, but when I look at things like growing up without a dad I struggle.  This can't be fixed. I am forever broken. I will never know what it is like to grow up with a dad who is proud of me. My grandfather was great, but he wasn't my dad. I will never know what it is like to have a dad or a big brother who watches out for me. My husband is great, but he's not my dad, and he has a sister.


Scripture tells me that I have a heavenly Father who has never left me, and I am thankful for that, but I am not sure that a heavenly Father can fill the void left by an earthly one. Maybe that's my lack of faith. In all honesty, I didn't know my heavenly Father until I was in high school either. I know He was there, but he wasn't a part of my life. 


This is my biggest struggle. It is the thing that undercuts me every time. It is the thing that so often keeps me on the outside looking in.

Anxious

Have you ever thought you were doing one thing and then God showed up and did something totally different? That pretty much sums up what happened to me tonight. What started as a parent meeting for my sons' youth group turned into a personal time of devotion for me - and the youth pastor had no idea.


As he was sharing about what he will be teaching the kids over the course of the year, he said in a side note that the word "anxious" comes from two words meaning "divided mind". Those two words - divided mind - nailed where I am right now. And, of course, those ever popular Philippians 4 verses popped into my head: 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not have a "divided mind." How often have I used the words "I am torn between" or something similar. But God says not to have a divided mind.  He wants us to tell Him about our situation, seek His intervention, thank Him for His love and concern for us, and share our heart.


Don't get me wrong.  I don't believe that God is a cosmic Santa Claus, but I do believe that He wants us to be honest with Him.  He knows what we want anyway. But, I believe the second part of the verse brings an even bigger promise than that.


We will have a peace that we cannot explain that will guard our hearts as long as we allow Him to lead. To guard means "to protect." There is SO much comfort in that! 


I have been a Christian for a long time, and I am certain that I have heard numerous sermons on these verses - and I might have even heard that anxious means "divided mind," but apparently I wasn't listening. I have never understood it as I did tonight in that youth room.


Once again, God showed up and showed off when I least expected it and reminded me that I am not alone.  Love that!

Waiting

There seems to be a theme in my life right now - waiting. Waiting for direction. Waiting on transitions. Waiting on test results. Waiting on therapists. Waiting for children. Waiting at stoplights.  I HATE waiting at stoplights, by the way, but, I digress. J All that being said, waiting is just not something I do well – which is probably why God is determined to make me practice.

The last several days, I have had a John Waller song stuck in my head that I first heard during the movie Fireproof.  It played in the background as Caleb went about his day, waiting to see what God will do in his in marriage when it seemed like there was no hope for reconciliation.

I am waiting.

I’m waiting on You Lord and I am hopeful.

I’m waiting on you Lord, though it is painful,

 but patiently I will wait.

And I will move ahead, bold and confident.

Taking every step in obedience.

While I’m waiting I will serve you.

While I’m waiting I will worship.

While I’m waiting I will not faint.

I’ll be running the race even while I wait….

The outcomes of most of my circumstances aren’t as critical as Caleb’s, but it seems that at every turn I am waiting for something. The question is, will I be patient?  Will I be hopeful? More importantly, will I move ahead bold and confident? I hope so.

It all comes down to an issue of control – or more so – who is in control. I can live my life impatient because things aren’t happening on my timeframe, or I can trust that what needs to happen will happen in His. I can struggle in the now, or I can move ahead hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. It’s all in the perspective.

So for now, I’ll be running the race…even while I wait.

Worth It

I love to read. Although I can't say that I am an avid reader like my friends at Two Bibliomaniacs, I love to get lost in a book. Typically though, I am not lost for long because I am also a quick reader. I am not a speed-reader, but it doesn't take me long to read a book...usually.

Do You Think I Am Beautiful, by Angela Thomas, is an exception. At a mere 167 pages on my Nook, it feels as though it is an obstacle that I may never overcome. Don't get me wrong. It is an AMAZING book. She writes with an honesty and openness that makes for an easy read, and the material is really good. I highly recommend it. It just hits a little too close to home.

When we first started going to PCC it seemed that every week Pastor Ron preached on something that I had been dealing specifically with the week before. It was almost like he had been listening in to the happenings of our home. As unnerving as that was, this is worse. It is as if Angela Thomas has been living in my head.

I saw Angela in person a few months ago, before I had read any of her material. Her story captivated me, but nothing like her writing. Her writing made me cry. I never cry when I read.

A couple of days this week, I have used her book as a devotional. Today, there was a passage that stuck out to me that I wanted to share. She was talking about the voices in her (my) head, and she likened them to the Peanuts character, Pigpen.

"Pigpen is surrounded by a cloud of dust everywhere he goes. That's me - just dust. So dusty, in fact, that I take the cloud with me wherever I go. So human. So prone to go forward and then turn around and move backward. I get it some days and then forget it on others. Thank goodness that God remembers I am just dust. His grace covers my inadequacies. His compassion waits patiently." Do You Think I Am Beautiful, Pg. 77

I get it some days...and then forget it on others. This could be the tagline of my life, and it is so frustrating. And to make matters worse, my insecurities scream on the days that I forget. They scream that I am not enough and that I am not "worth it."

There is part of me that wishes I had read this book before I saw Angela in person; but then again, I may never finish it, so I might never have seen her. Anyway…. There is part of me that would like to sit down and talk to her, but a bigger part of me is afraid of what she would see in me that I am not willing to admit.

I am not sure how someone who I have never actually met in person could know me better than I know myself, but I am thankful that God is patient and that He puts people like Angela in my life to remind me that I am not alone and that I am “worth it” to Him.

Burdened

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28

I have read this verse hundreds of times, quoted it, and even thought I understood what it meant, but as I read it today, I have a new appreciation for it as it came to life in a new way.

My husband woke up last night to my youngest son having a seizure. This is only the second one that he has ever had and makes for two too many. We are going to schedule some further testing, but today, he is our happy little boy again, and all is right with his world.

My world, on the other hand, has been shaken once again. This time by something far more important than the struggles of recent weeks. After the initial scare was over, and as I look at everything on my plate, I am tempted to ask God if I needed just one more thing. But, then I remembered that God isn't surprised by any of this. He knows exactly what He is doing and how He is orchestrating the events in my life and how they are working together to draw me into a deeper relationship with Him.

I can't imagine being God. I am the mother of three, and sometimes I don't know which direction anyone is going, and yet God orchestrates the events in every person in the world, and every event in nature, to work a plan of ultimate good. What seems like a crazy detour for us is ultimately part of God's plan. I can't even wrap my arms around how that happens. And yet, I don't have to. I am really not even supposed to.

God promises that He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in Him. (Isaiah 26:3) He doesn't promise that craziness won't come. If there wasn't craziness there would be no need to be steadfast.

It is sometimes hard to claim Old Testament promises, especially in the midst of a storm, because they were typically given to specific people in specific circumstances. But we know that God is God. He is unchanging. That gives us hope as we hold on to promises like, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deuteronomy 31:8)

The past few weeks, I have been afraid AND discouraged. But today, I am going to trust in the promise that I can go to Him weary and burdened, and He will give me the rest that I so desperately need. That if I allow Him to lead me (take His yoke) and allow Him to teach me through my circumstances, that He will be gentle with me because He loves me and wants me to be okay. I will trust that even though I will still have to maneuver the obstacles before me, my part of the burden will be light because I will be sharing the yoke with the one who already knows the way and is way stronger to face those trials than I am.

I am thankful today for God's promises - old and new, and I am thankful that I can trust Him to always be faithful even when I forget.

My God is amazing.

Reflections

I have the privilege of serving on a team that writes the Weekend Reflections for our church's website. It is a privilege that I don't take lightly because I know how important it is to process, and those reflections not only allow me to process what was shared in the message, but hopefully, God uses me to help others process as well.

Although I am not on the schedule for this weekend, I feel like God is asking me to process on a different level. I have been overwhelmed with the thoughts of the events that have impacted my life making me who I am today. As I have done so, I have come to realize that many of those events are not ones that I would have chosen. They were things that God has led me into in order to teach me, or strengthen me, or use me.

• My dad and my parent's divorce - My dad chose to disconnect from our family through alcohol and other women. He chose life on the road to life with his family. His choices cut deeper than he could possibly know - deeper than even I realized for a long time. I still struggle with fear of abandonment and self-esteem. (He is a father to the fatherless.)

• Making my faith real - I think from the time I accepted Christ, I have had a very real sense that it is not about religion. It is about outreach. It is about being Christ to who you are with, where you are, and sometimes going to places others would not go. I had to make some touch choices, choices that stood against the tide and weren't always popular even with my Christian friends. Some decisions led to hurt, but I know that in most I was obedient.(I can stand firm in the trails.)

• Troy - A hard lesson in finding my self-esteem in someone other than God. A lesson that in all honesty, I am still learning. The pain of a broken relationship that haunts me to this day. A near fatal blow to an already injured self. And yet, God was with me through it all. (He never leaves me or forsakes me.)

• Jonathan - I have always loved music and loved to sing, but I will be the first to admit that a music career has never been part of my future. But Jonathan allowed me an opportunity to participate in the worship choir at our former church. He taught me what it means to worship and to serve, and ultimately what it means to remain true to your character even when adversity can cost you everything. (I was watching.)

• Children - I could never have imagined how they would change me. They have taught me about self-sacrifice and unconditional love. They have shown me how to give of myself in ways I never thought possible and what it feels like to hurt for another as if the pain were my own. (I have seen the faith of a child.)

• Serbia - Where I finally came to the end of myself. The place where I realized that I had build up so many walls that I didn't even know who I was anymore. The place where God began to peel away my dragon scales and turn me back into the child that He created me to be. The place where I began to be vulnerable again. (He has a plan for me.)

Even on days when I feel like I haven't moved an inch from that scared little girl, I know that isn't true. Maybe I haven't gotten as far along the path as I would like, and maybe I still struggle with some of the same issues, but I know that I am not who I was. God has changed me and is continuing to change me from the inside out.

As I look at some potential changes in my life, I realize that I have some choices to make. I can choose to bury my feelings and hide who I truly am, or I can be honest and allow God to continue the growth he has begun in me. I can hide the pain and hurt, or I can be transparent. I can be a frightened child or a woman of God. I want to be the latter. I want to process all that God has for me and to grow. I want to be able to reflect on today and know that regardless of my circumstances God has a plan, and I am right in the center of His will.

Not Okay

Today has been a terribly emotional day for me. I am sure part of it has to do with the physical issues I have struggled with this week, but I think most of it has to do with the fact that slowing down brought me to a place of honesty that I had not been to in a long time. A place of honesty with myself.

I realized that I am alone. I know that I have family and friends, but sometimes even in their midst, I have come to depend on the walls that I have created to protect myself. And, while those walls do their thing to protect me, they keep me from making connections - life giving connections - with others. Pretty humorous considering my position at PCC.

I thought I was past this. I really did. Post Serbia I have tried really hard to open up and to allow myself to be who I am with others. And then, it happened. I was made aware of some hurtful things and the walls began to rebuild - brick by brick - until I feel like an outsider even with my friends. It's lonely.

I see my friends hanging out together, laughing and sharing, and I long to be a part of it. But I am afraid. I have a few friends, close friends, lifetime friends, who know me and love me anyway, but I have pulled away from them as well. Much of that has to do with time and distance, but I miss them. I really miss them.

I believe it comes down to choices. All of it. I have the choice to feel lonely or to reach out. I have the choice to join in the fun or to wait for an invitation that may or may not come. I have a choice to let the hurt bury me or to stand with what I know to be true and let the rest go. God has given me that choice. Just as he has given me the choice to live with Him or without Him. He has given me the choice to find my security in Him or in others. But I will be honest, sometimes having my security in Christ is still lonely when I feel separated from those around me.

Sometimes knowing the truth has its downfalls. I wish there was some truth, some bit of wisdom, that would be new to me and would make everything better. But, I have walked with Christ long enough to know that He is my strength. He is my shepherd. He is my security. He is my Father. He loves me no matter what. He will always be there for me. He feels my hurt and my pain. He knows me better than my self, and He loves me anyway. He has a plan for me that includes hope. I want to walk in those truths. I know them to be true. I just wish they were as much a part of my heart as they are a part of my head.

I am tired of struggling. It's not okay. There are days when I want to give in and retreat, but I realize that as lonely as I feel today, I am no where near where I was a year ago. And I never want to go back to that place. I was okay then - or so I thought. I had learned to manage my walls in such a way that I never had to face the difficult or the hurtful. I never had to face anything.

We sang a song in Serbia by The Afters, Never Going Back to OK. One of the verses states:

...I'm stepping out

and I feel so afraid

but as long as I am moving it's all right...

I am trying to hold on to that. One step at a time. And hopefully it is a step in the right direction because I never want to go back to ok. At least not the ok of a year ago. For now, I am not okay - and while that is NOT ok, I guess it is better than that alternative because I know that God isn't finished with me yet. Still growing. Still learning. Learning to feel again. Learning to trust again. Is that ok?

Sidelined

As I sat in a waiting room today, I was listening to a story about how important it is, especially for women, to be able to separate their work life from their home life. The journalist was discussing the underlying feelings of guilt that woman has when she is trying to balance her roles as a wife, mother and employee. She ended her story with the following suggestions:

1. Learn to use the word "no" and realize that it can be a sentence - no explanation necessary.

2. Choose a set time when you turn off your cellphone and laptop and stop doing any other work related things and walk away.

There may have been a third. I don't remember, because I was sidetracked by the humor in a female journalist that actually seemed to think those suggestions would go a long way toward solving the problem.

Don't get me wrong. I understand the necessity of turning off work mode. I just think that is a bit over-simplistic. I can turn off my work laptop, not check my phone, and pretend that no one in my office exists, and I will still be thinking about what I did or didn't get accomplished, whether what I have accomplished in a day is "enough," and working through the details of something that I am "oh, so close" to getting finished.

Of course, it works both ways. I can leave my house, get in my car, and get ready to face my work day and I will still be thinking about what I did or didn't get accomplished at home, whether what I accomplished before I left is "enough," and working through the details of something that I would really, really like to getting finished at home.

I will admit that I am much better at drawing the line than I used to be. I would like to say it is because I made a conscious decision to "make 'no' a sentence," but that would be a lie. It is because my boss saw that I was dangerously close to burn-out and made me promise to adhere to a few boundaries even when I didn't want to.

I am thankful for his leadership in that. I don't think I realized when I started as a ministry assistant how engrained in the ministry of the church I would become. I have been employed in both secular and religious fields throughout my career. I have worked as a legal secretary, a human resources assistant, an administrative assistant to the General Superior of a convent (and no, I am not, nor have I ever been, Catholic), assistant to the director of engineering at a computer-aided design firm, and now as a ministry assistant to many of the adult ministries of our church. Never have I been able to fully shut out my professional life from my home life, but it has never been more difficult than when I am in ministry.

Today, I have been somewhat sidelined by some unexpected physical limitations, but as I have been forced to rest this afternoon, I have come face to face with the fact that I have once again been getting a little too close to the edge of blurring the lines. It is kind of like the old saying of "being so heavenly minded that you are no earthly good" - only with a twist.

I have been so busy trying to minister here on earth that I have been neglecting the "heavenly minded" part. You see, God knows that my brain is spaghetti. He created me that way. He knows that I can't do ministry 8:45-2:45 and then shut off that part of my brain and do family from 2:46-8:44. Not happening. But He provides still waters that He wants me to lie down beside. He provides strength when I am weary. He provides rest for my soul. But in order for me to take advantage of these things, I need to spend time with Him. Certainly, I need to pray, but I also need to read the Bible and other stories of people who have struggled in some of the same areas I struggle yet have come out on the other side stronger.

It amazes me how God continues to place the right people in our path in unexpected ways to provide just what we need. This past weekend, my husband and I were invited last minute to attend a marriage retreat. The first session speaker talked about the importance of self-care and finding rest and refreshment in God. He reminded us that even though Jesus was fully God, He wasn't called to heal the entire world while He was here on earth. There were times when even He went to a quiet place to rest and be refreshed. When I heard the message, I didn't realize how applicable it would be for me this week. But God knew. How amazing is that?

I know this is a bit long, but I have to add a funny story that happened while I was writing this post. My husband came into the room where I was writing. He had been playing video games with my sons for an hour or two. He was reading a text on his phone and the first words out of his mouth were, "Oh, I forgot about work." How does he do that????!!!!! :)

In the Midst

In the midst of the difficult days...God is there.

In the midst of the anxiety...God is there.

In the midst of relationships...God is there.

It is so easy for me to get lost in the moment and be distracted by the circumstances - to lose sight of God in the big picture and to forget that God is always "in the midst..." It's like having spiritual ADD.

This week was one of those weeks. I found myself exhausted on more than one occasion because I lost sight of God in the equation. And yet, God was with me in the midst of every situation I encountered. He promises that. Verse after verse of the Bible tells us that He will not leave us. He will provide for us. He will be our strength. Those are amazing promises.

On more than one occasion this week, I also found myself longing for the shelter of God, and He was always there waiting. I saw Him in the blog of a friend, in a difficult conversation, in an encouraging smile, and, I met with Him in a much needed time of prayer.

I am so thankful that even in the midst of my spiritual ADD, God is always in the midst of my circumstances and waiting for me to let Him lead - and as I allow Him to lead, I find peace in the storm.

A First

Today is a rather unusual day for me. I am taking a "personal day". It's not a vacation day -not a sick day - not a day so that I can attend a field trip or stay home with a sick child. I am taking a mental health day.

I will admit that I feel a tinge of guilt for slacking. I have things in my "to do" basket at work and e-mails to get out, but yesterday I felt like I hit a wall. I knew it...and others picked up on it too. (It's been awhile since I've had to own up to being a hammer. :) ) Anyway, I felt like a "donkey on the edge", but instead of Donkey, I was feeling more like Eeyore.

I had let my responsibilities as a wife, mother, employee and friend - added my chronic pain and fatigue - drain me of my peace. I had done it. Overloaded schedules abound, and (although I have been doing better) I haven't been doing a very good job of sitting at the Master's feet and resting in His peace.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 26:3

I am not sure where I came across this verse this year, but it seems to be an underlying theme in my life right now. It has appeared in almost every book I have read, and it seems every speaker I listen to has referenced it. I am thinking God may be trying to tell me something. :)

So today, I am going to step back and ask God to replenish my spirit. My life runs hot - hotter than I would like at times - and because of that I have to be sure that the things that I put my energy too are life sustaining. Sometimes that decision is one of better vs. best because often all the things set before me are good. I just need to step back...and breathe...and follow. Follow the one who leads beside the still waters, refreshes my soul and guides me along right paths.

Today is one of those days, and I'll be honest. I am loving it.