Complexity

I am taking a break from the current task at hand. I need a chance to clear my head and hopefully regain some balance as I take a step back from the mountain that is before me.

You see, we recently started allergy testing with our youngest son. It was our hope that maybe it would shed some light as to why he is so small and struggles in school. My biggest fear was that he would be allergic to gluten. It appears my fears were not big enough.

Jaron has an intolerance to not only gluten, but also corn, pork, sugar, nightshades, and oxillates. Broccoli, cucumbers, tomatoes, potatoes, sugar, sweeteners, garlic, and peanut butter to name a few specifics. But, it gets better. As I was looking through the materials given to us, I found a two page, two-column list of things that might be derived from corn that we are also supposed to avoid - most of which I can't even pronounce, not to mention remember. It's overwhelming and complex. And, each time I think I am ready to dig in and hold on, I am frozen by the enormity of the task.

I think it is because I am an "all or nothing" kind of girl. I think I always have been. I may have blogged about it before, but I have pretty much a black and white mentality. If there is a rule, it should be followed. If I am asked to do something, I should do my best. If I start a project, I want to finish well. Usually that is a good thing. Unfortunately at times, it stifles my ability to move. When the task is too great, I am afraid to take the first step - especially when I am afraid I am going to fail.

I am starting to see a trend in my thinking lately. Fear. I wish I could say it was the "fear of the Lord" that is helping me to be a more godly person, but it's more oft than not just plain fear. Fear of letting others down. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of failure.

I am reminded over and over that God will not give me more than I can bear with Him, but (watch out for the lightening bolts) what if He's wrong? What if I am not able to handle life with three boys, or even one teenager, or a learning disability, or food allergies or fibromyalgia? What if I can't handle them together? What if I fail to be the witness that He is calling me to be of His grace and mercy? What if I fail in the only thing that really matters - pleasing God?

God has entrusted me with some pretty heavy issues to deal with in recent months, and I honestly don't feel I am doing a very good job. While on the outside I attempt to handle them with dignity and grace, on the inside I am terrified and desperately seeking peaceful waters. Yearning to lay down and to rest, but unable to let go, because if I do, I might fail. I am not sure if that's complex or psychotic!

I guess it's times like these that make our faith our own. The times when we don't have the answers and yet we move ahead - even if it be ever so slowly - because we have hidden God's Word in our heart. Because we know - even when we don't feel it - that He is our "forever friend." Because we trust that He has plan to prosper and not to harm us. Because we know that He has promised to never forsake us. Because we hold tight to the knowledge that He loves us. Maybe it's not a matter of complexity, but making the simple choice to step - even a baby step - and trusting that if we fall, God will be able to use our trials for His glory. No, that's not complexity...that's faith.