The Journey - Part 1

So, last night I posted a teaser about all that God is doing in my life, and I have to be honest, I don't know that there will ever be a time when I could share it all. I used the term amazing last night, and it truly has been an amazing ride. And, it all began with a Taylor Swift song.

Why, you might ask, would I be listening to a girl who sings about high school romance and being fifteen? Well, because she is awesome, duh, and because God knew that He was going to use her in a mighty way in my life so He set the stage several years ago for me to be introduced to her music.

One of the songs she sings recounts the great relationship that she has with her parents. It talks about her dad taking her places and her mom and her going shopping when all of the kids were mean to her at school. She ends her song with the verse:

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn't know if you knew, so I'm takin' this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today.

My parents divorced when I was young. Before the divorce, I remember riding in the car with my mom while she went to find my dad or pick him up from one of a number of local bars. I have heard stories of other women, and although I know that at one point he had a factory job, he was also quite familiar working with travelling carnivals.

Once my parents divorced, I can remember only one time when my dad visited. It had been awhile, and we really had nothing in common. In my mind, I remember sitting on the couch holding a bear. It was uncomfortable. And then, he just stopped coming. For the longest time, I thought it was my fault. I thought I had pushed him away. In later years, I found out that in reality, he couldn’t visit because child support was never a big concern for him and the local authorities would have loved a visit with him as well.

I came to realize that if he had remained in my life, I would not be the person that I am today. While most of my class married and divorced, some have been in jail on drug charges, I am happily married. I have a great family, a nice home and a stable job. My life isn’t perfect, but it is good. I have been blessed. My father, on the other hand, married a woman who was six months younger than I, and had a son, a half-brother that I will never know. They also divorced, and he died, alone. The amazing thing…his ID still listed me as next of kin.

The rational side of me decided long ago that it was all for the best. I was certain that my dysfunctional past had not affected me. Although I knew that I struggled with the concept of “dad”, I had convinced myself that God had protected me. I had a wonderful, hard working grandfather who stepped up to the plate and helped to raise me, and more often than not, provided for me as he came alongside my mom who was doing all she could to provide for me the future that I have now.

Then came Taylor Swift, and I realized that I am still that wounded child waiting for her daddy to visit and to be proud of her. That as good as my childhood was, and as bad as it could have been, it left in me an insecurity that I have fought desperately to hide – even from myself. Taylor unknowingly opened a floodgate of emotions that I didn’t even know that I had, but God did. And, he was waiting patiently. It was the beginning of a journey that is far from over. I have only begun to untangle the feelings and emotions and allow healing to take place. I am still learning to trust.

I may never be totally comfortable with the term “daddy,” but I can say that as I allow God to take me on this journey, these truly are “the best days.” I can also attest that “I have an excellent (heavenly) father, and His strength is making me stronger” everyday.