Fight or Flight: On Standby

Have you ever had one of those weeks? The ones that seem to go by so s-l-o-w-l-y and yet seem to be emotionally draining at the same time? That is how this week has been for me. There really hasn't been anything out of the ordinary. Eric has been out of the office, but I have had plenty of things to keep me busy. Things at home are normal - which on the best days for us can still be a little stressful with Jaron and the boys, but again, nothing out of the ordinary stressful. I have just had this deep sense that something isn't right.

I took a couple of hours off this week to spend some alone time with God. I will be the first to admit that my quiet times aren't really what they probably should be. I try to read books that will be spiritually filling, and I often have Bible verses floating through my head. For the most part, I listen to Christian music, and can often be found singing to God as I drive to and from various activities. I am involved in a Bible study and small group. But I have never been able to keep a consistent, sit in a chair, read and meditate on God's Word kind of quiet time. My mind races a million directions. I have even tried journaling prayers, and I have to admit that was probably my favorite. It is just hard to find enough "quiet."

This week though, I new that I was coming to the table with nothing. As I in my car at the park - in the rain - I just started to pray. I shared with God a lot of things that had been on my heart - some serious, some bringing tears, some seemingly ridiculous, but apparently important to me somewhere because I felt a lot better having shared them. I felt energized. Nothing had really changed, but I wasn't carrying that weight any longer.

Tonight as I listened to Beth Moore teach on the book of Revelation, I think God may have taken the opportunity to share with me something that was on His heart related to our relationship. My heart hurt as I realized that I may not actually trust God. Don't get me wrong. I truly believe that Christ died for my sin, and I am saved. But, I think because of some of the hurtful things that I have gone through in my past, I have stopped trusting God for His protection. I think that is why my battle with insecurity is so deeply rooted.

My first instinct is to call myself out and remind my self of how arrogant it would be to blame God for anything - which is true. But I think I have to own this one. I am so thankful for all that God has taught me through those difficult circumstances, and I know that I would not be the person I am today were it not for His hand in them. I know that in some instances, I opened myself up to the hurt through naivety and stupidity, but I think I am hurt that God allowed the pain to go so deep. I am afraid to trust that He will truly protect me, and if He won't, who will.

Needless to say, I have a lot to think about and process. I heard the question asked at some point, "Would you be happy in Heaven if Jesus wasn't there?" I've got to think about that one. I know what I want my answer to be, but is it? How can I break down this wall? Can God help me to tear down a wall that I have put up to protect me from Him?