Old Times - New Ammunition

It's been awhile since I posted. I haven't forgotten that I have a blog or anything. I am not really sure why I haven't shared my thoughts. Part of it may be a processing issue. The weeks immediately following my trip were overwhelming for me. My heart was torn. I loved my time in Serbia, and I miss my friends very much. I still think of them often, and I smile each time I see one of them post on Facebook - even though most of the time I have to use a translator to figure out what they are saying. :) A part of my heart is missing.

Culture shock also probably played a factor - not theirs, but ours. Obviously, nothing really changed here, but the busyness and excess has taken its toll on me a little since our return. I know that our camp schedule was different than "real life" in Serbia, but I sensed a different focus in the people there. For the most part, they were content with what they had, and they were happy just hanging out and being with each other. I miss that more than anything else.

I shared in my last post a little bit about what God did in me while I was there, but I am not sure I did it justice. When I shared that God had freed me from insecurities and fears that I have faced for my whole life, it was a BIG deal. It truly had been a struggle that had left me with an irrational fear of failure - and that fear isolated me in many ways.

I had a minor setback this week as schedules have been out of control, and there are some big projects on the horizon. In my quest to do my best, I allowed a bit of perfectionism (okay, probably more than a bit, but this is my blog and I get to say how much) to set in which in turn ramped up the fear of failure and brought back all the emotional weight that I had pre-Serbia. I was frightened. I was frightened not only that my failure would affect relationships that I value but frightened that I had lost sight of all that God had taught me in Serbia. I was feeling alone and lost.

BUT...God is in His gracious humor gently brought me back to reality. You see, the night BEFORE my insecurity attack, I had download a couple of albums onto my I-pod. I hadn't really chosen them for any specific reason. I just felt like downloading something new.

As I listened to them that afternoon, I was amazed to see that God had provided all that I needed - a gentle reminder that I was not alone. Song after song spoke to my heart in a way that I can't even describe. It is like the artist had lived my life.

One song in particular caught my attention:

I tried perfecting myself

Would You love me more without my mistakes

I tried not to ask for Your help

Cuz I didn’t want to scare You away

Yeah I was always worried

I was gonna let You down

Oh, it felt like I was standing

In between the lost and found

Till I got to know You, You

I was at a place when You found a way

To break through

It’s true

I was just a skeptic

Till I got to know You, You

And it’s hard accepting Your grace

In a world where nothing’s free

For so long I was afraid

That You’d only see the worst in me

Yeah, I was always worried

You were gonna figure out

That I wasn’t what You wanted

Wasn’t worth being around

Till I got to know You, You

I was at a place when You found a way

To break through

It’s true

I was just a skeptic

Till I got to know You, You

And you have always been on my side

I finally see it

It took so long to believe in it

Cuz I was always worried

I was gonna let you down

Till I got to know You, You

Till I got to know You, You, You

Till I got know You, You

I was at a place when you found a way

To break through

It’s true

I was just a skeptic

Till I got to know You

'Till I Got to Know You by Sanctus Real

I could have written the song. Well...I couldn't have because I was afraid to voice any of it... but I have lived it - time and time and time again. I lived it out in my relationship with God, and I lived it out in my relationship with people. It wasn't until Serbia that God was able to break through, and I was able to see the hold that it had on me.

I realized this week it is the ultimate tool the enemy will use to get my eyes off of God and derail my Christian walk. Thankfully God also placed friends in my path that day that held me accountable to what I had learned on my trip and reminded me that I am not that person anymore. I could have chosen to let the setback defeat me (as it has every other time), or I could choose to get back up, right my thinking and move ahead in the grace that God (and my friends) offered. What an amazing feeling.

I would like to say that I took the right stand and am now totally back on the right track, but the enemy continues to put traps in my path that throw me right back to that scared little girl who boarded the plane to Serbia. This time though, I have a new weapon. Actually, I have a couple of new weapons. First, I am not alone any more. God has taken down my barriers and allowed me to share “the real me” with several close friends who are willing to gently hold me accountable when I start to fall. And second, I know that I have the power to choose what affects me. I may not be able to prevent the attack, but I can choose not to participate in it. Those are some pretty powerful sources of ammunition when the battle begins.