It's Been Awhile...

I guess you could say that I have been on a bit of a blogging vacation. This is evidenced by the fact that I had over 45 blog posts in my "to read" folder tonight, and it has been almost half a year since I have updated my own. 

My break from writing was kind of a two-fold proposition. In one sense, I have been super busy, but in another sense, I didn't like the tone of several posts I started and abandoned. I just needed to get my head together before I shared my heart. 

The good news is I remembered I had a blog. The bad news is that I still don't know where my head is. If anything, it is probably more jumbled than before. 

During my absence, I travelled to India. I intentionally avoided sharing my thoughts pre-trip to avoid saying stupid things and offending people as I did pre-Serbia. I will sum it up by saying that it was a totally different experience. I was more confident throughout the process and excited to see what I would learn outside of my comfort zone. 

I won't say it was an easy trip. It started with a stress fracture that almost derailed the whole experience. The walking boot along with the incredible heat made for some exhausting days, but spending time with the girls from the orphanage we visited made it totally worth it. 

There was a group of us that went for 10 days while the rest of the group stayed for three weeks. I learned a lot about Indian culture, tried several Indian foods, and ditched the boot long enough dip my toes (and unfortunately my camera) in the Indian ocean. I drank coconut milk from a coconut opened with a machete by a roadside vendor and experienced my first rickshaw ride. I held my breath as our drivers negotiated the crazy traffic, and in all honesty tried not to panic when things turned ugly and they got involved in a street fight. (One got bit. One took a pretty good blow to the head, but we were all safe.) 

It felt like a different world. The number of men was overwhelming. That is one aspect of the culture I will never understand. There is so little value placed on women. They are more of a commodity. In fact, while we were there, one of the little girls we were visiting was taken from the safety of the orphanage because she had been sold by her mother into the sex trafficking industry. She was 8 years old. 

What am I to do with that? What am I to do with the poverty I saw? Honestly, I have avoided trying to process it. I slid back into my comfortable American life, and surrounded myself with the tyranny of the urgent. I tried to do what so many of us who are blessed beyond all rationale attempt to do - avoid the reality of it. But, it was very real. 

That little girl, and millions like her, are trafficked every day. They are bought and sold and taken advantage of with the consent (and at the profit) of their family. Little girls are abandoned and left to fend for themselves just because they are female. And, they are the lucky ones. Their parents allowed them to live, and opted not to profit by selling them into bonded labor. It's heartbreaking. 

So, as you can see, my head is still a mess. If anything, probably more so than when I was overwhelmed with a little work stress. I wish now that was the extent of my problems, but that will never be the case again. I will always have the pictures in my mind of the beggars on the street and that sweet little girl that I could do nothing to save. 

I am not sure what the future holds for my blogging. I miss writing, but there are so many things calling for my attention. And, most of my thoughts seem pretty insignificant at the moment. I just wanted to check in for the few of you that care enough to follow my wanderings. Thank you. It really does mean a lot that you share my journey - however sporadic it tends to be.

No Fear

As I sit and look at those words, I don’t even know what to say. I really don’t. A year ago, I would have laughed at them. I lived in a constant state of fear. Fear of failure. Fear that I wasn’t good enough. Fear of letting down those I cared about. Fear of the unknown.

And then came Serbia - the beginning of an amazing journey that continues to change me day by day. I have grown so much that I only recognize glimpses of who I was a year ago today.

Today I look at those words, and I realize how far I have come. I realized it a few weeks ago when our church was talking about their new ministry to the Home of Love in India. It wasn’t a feeling of, “Wow. That’s cool. Not me.” It was a spark that told me that it might be me. And, I was okay with that.

I realized it last week when after facing a really long and trying day, I came to the conclusion that I have to be happy with myself. I have to stand by what I believe to be right – and that is enough.

No fear. It’s a new sensation. It’s one that I kind of like. I am still amazed by it.

My heart is a little sad this week. I miss my Serbian friends, and the incredible hospitality of the country. I miss the kids and the fun camp activities, and the heat…well, maybe not the heat…but you get the idea. :) Mostly, I miss the relationships – both with students and others at camp as well as with our own team. Like with any trip, even though our team has tried to stay connected, it is difficult with jobs and life, etc… The plan is to return to Serbia next year. I can’t wait. No fear.

And who knows…maybe one day I will be headed to India. I am excited about the prospect, but I am not afraid. No fear. Can you believe it? No fear!

I am so thankful for my Serbia team. They were patient. They loved me when I didn’t even know who I was. They believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. I will be forever in their debt. Forever.

I love the new me, and I can’t wait to see where God will take me. I only hope that I can continue to walk - and to grow – with no fear.

180

It's amazing what can happen in the course of a year. Last year at this time, I was preparing to leave the US for the first time to visit Serbia, a country I knew very little about. I can't even begin to describe to you the insecurities that I had going into that trip. Many were personal. Some were based in ignorance. Most were unfounded. All showed my lack of faith, although I would not have admitted that then.

My trip to Serbia was truly nothing short of AMAZING. I made some wonderful friends whom I miss terribly. The country was beautiful, and their food is WAY better than ours. I became a fan of Jaffa Cakes, and Serbian pizza. And I learned a lot about myself. I came back with an entirely new reality. (...and a few Jaffa Cakes. :))

The plan was to return to Serbia this year, but that opportunity has been postponed until 2012. I thought I was okay with it, because it would give me more time to save to cover the trip expenses. But this week, I realized in a new way how much that experience expanded my world view.

I had always heard that once you have had a cross-cultural experience, it changes you. I just didn't realize how much until I found out recently that two members of our Serbia team are headed to the Dominican Republic next month with another team. And...if I am honest, with myself and with them, I am a little jealous. The trip is different. It is shorter, and the work to be done is totally different. But, I now know what an incredible experience this will be for them. I know a little of what I will be missing by staying home, and I am a little sad.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for my friends. I know that God will use this trip in a mighty way for them. There is just a part of my heart that longs to board that plane and learn some more - to experience more of life outside of the US - to build relationships with people of a different culture - to grow in my faith and share that experience with others.

It's a 180 from this time last year. And it is a positive 180. If I had known then what I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of stress. But I think it took that experience to help me grow into the person I am today. Kind of like a butterfly breaking out of a cocoon.

I still have my moments when I revert back to the safety of pre-Serbia; but those moments are fewer, and I am excited about that. I am so thankful that I was obedient to God's call to go. I will never be the same. And, that is a good thing. :)

Old Times - New Ammunition

It's been awhile since I posted. I haven't forgotten that I have a blog or anything. I am not really sure why I haven't shared my thoughts. Part of it may be a processing issue. The weeks immediately following my trip were overwhelming for me. My heart was torn. I loved my time in Serbia, and I miss my friends very much. I still think of them often, and I smile each time I see one of them post on Facebook - even though most of the time I have to use a translator to figure out what they are saying. :) A part of my heart is missing.

Culture shock also probably played a factor - not theirs, but ours. Obviously, nothing really changed here, but the busyness and excess has taken its toll on me a little since our return. I know that our camp schedule was different than "real life" in Serbia, but I sensed a different focus in the people there. For the most part, they were content with what they had, and they were happy just hanging out and being with each other. I miss that more than anything else.

I shared in my last post a little bit about what God did in me while I was there, but I am not sure I did it justice. When I shared that God had freed me from insecurities and fears that I have faced for my whole life, it was a BIG deal. It truly had been a struggle that had left me with an irrational fear of failure - and that fear isolated me in many ways.

I had a minor setback this week as schedules have been out of control, and there are some big projects on the horizon. In my quest to do my best, I allowed a bit of perfectionism (okay, probably more than a bit, but this is my blog and I get to say how much) to set in which in turn ramped up the fear of failure and brought back all the emotional weight that I had pre-Serbia. I was frightened. I was frightened not only that my failure would affect relationships that I value but frightened that I had lost sight of all that God had taught me in Serbia. I was feeling alone and lost.

BUT...God is in His gracious humor gently brought me back to reality. You see, the night BEFORE my insecurity attack, I had download a couple of albums onto my I-pod. I hadn't really chosen them for any specific reason. I just felt like downloading something new.

As I listened to them that afternoon, I was amazed to see that God had provided all that I needed - a gentle reminder that I was not alone. Song after song spoke to my heart in a way that I can't even describe. It is like the artist had lived my life.

One song in particular caught my attention:

I tried perfecting myself

Would You love me more without my mistakes

I tried not to ask for Your help

Cuz I didn’t want to scare You away

Yeah I was always worried

I was gonna let You down

Oh, it felt like I was standing

In between the lost and found

Till I got to know You, You

I was at a place when You found a way

To break through

It’s true

I was just a skeptic

Till I got to know You, You

And it’s hard accepting Your grace

In a world where nothing’s free

For so long I was afraid

That You’d only see the worst in me

Yeah, I was always worried

You were gonna figure out

That I wasn’t what You wanted

Wasn’t worth being around

Till I got to know You, You

I was at a place when You found a way

To break through

It’s true

I was just a skeptic

Till I got to know You, You

And you have always been on my side

I finally see it

It took so long to believe in it

Cuz I was always worried

I was gonna let you down

Till I got to know You, You

Till I got to know You, You, You

Till I got know You, You

I was at a place when you found a way

To break through

It’s true

I was just a skeptic

Till I got to know You

'Till I Got to Know You by Sanctus Real

I could have written the song. Well...I couldn't have because I was afraid to voice any of it... but I have lived it - time and time and time again. I lived it out in my relationship with God, and I lived it out in my relationship with people. It wasn't until Serbia that God was able to break through, and I was able to see the hold that it had on me.

I realized this week it is the ultimate tool the enemy will use to get my eyes off of God and derail my Christian walk. Thankfully God also placed friends in my path that day that held me accountable to what I had learned on my trip and reminded me that I am not that person anymore. I could have chosen to let the setback defeat me (as it has every other time), or I could choose to get back up, right my thinking and move ahead in the grace that God (and my friends) offered. What an amazing feeling.

I would like to say that I took the right stand and am now totally back on the right track, but the enemy continues to put traps in my path that throw me right back to that scared little girl who boarded the plane to Serbia. This time though, I have a new weapon. Actually, I have a couple of new weapons. First, I am not alone any more. God has taken down my barriers and allowed me to share “the real me” with several close friends who are willing to gently hold me accountable when I start to fall. And second, I know that I have the power to choose what affects me. I may not be able to prevent the attack, but I can choose not to participate in it. Those are some pretty powerful sources of ammunition when the battle begins.

Adjusting to Reality

First, let me apologize for taking so long to get to this post. I have had so many thoughts and feelings to deal with that I haven't really had a moment to put my thoughts together in any semblance of a blog, but I have not forgotten. I just want to be sure that what I write is truly how I feel because a lot has changed since my last post.

First of all, I have fallen in love with Serbia and it's people. I could go on and on about the warmth and hospitality shown to us by our national team, our host families, the students and all of the Serbians with whom we were in contact, and it still would not give you a vision of how much we came to love them. I could show you the 1000+ pictures of our new friends and the Serbian countryside and it still would not give you a glimpse of how much places like Opovo, Ljutovo and Subotica mean to us.

We were also blessed with international friendships with people from Romania, Britain, Ireland and Australia. We even made a few friends from the States whom we didn't know before the trip. Those friendships literally span coast to coast. There is no way you could understand the impact that these people had on us unless you were there. It was an amazing trip.

And God showed up and showed off.

It began with me. Before camp began, He brought me to a place where I saw for the first time how much my insecurities and fears had held me captive. In His loving mercy, He took me out of my comfort zone so that He could show me that it wasn't a comfort zone at all. It was a prison. He brought me to a safe place where I could begin to live in the reality of who I am in Christ. He surrounded me with friends who held me accountable and reminded me that who I am is okay. It was an amazing transformation.

He also did amazing works at camp. The students were awesome. They came to learn English, but their hearts and minds were open to all that we had to say - whether they believed it or not. They shared their lives with us. They befriended us. They loved on us - and we loved on them. They stole our hearts.

So many things have changed in me since my last post, and I am still learning to live in my new reality. We sang a song every day while at camp called "Never Going Back to OK." I know one thing for certain, I will never be the same again - and that isn't OK. That's awesome.

One Week and Counting

Today officially marks the one week countdown to my trip to Serbia. The last few weeks have been a total roller coaster of emotions, but most are not even trip related. It just seems there has been distraction after distraction after distraction ad infinitum.

I am really excited about the trip. I haven't started packing yet, but I have started a little pile of stuff that needs to go. Some friends and I are getting together tomorrow to knock out some of the shopping that we need to do. That should be fun. Our team is awesome. It has been fun getting to know them as we have prepared, and I can't wait to work with them at the camp.

I got to meet our Serbian contact via skype last week so I have another little picture of what to expect. I know that I really can't anticipate all that the trip will be until I am actually there, but having a few little glimpses has helped me to feel a lot more confident.

Our team dinner is on Sunday and our luggage weigh-in day is Tuesday. I have a feeling the next seven days are going to fly, but I am looking forward to stepping on that plane Wednesday and opening my heart to the Serbian culture on Thursday. It's going to be awesome!

Not Who I Want to Be

Have you ever met someone who is confident in who they are as a person? Someone who has it all together. They look good. They have a great personality and everyone likes them. They aren't afraid to take risks? I am not that person.

I have been working on his post for almost an hour, and I have started over at least 3 times. I am just not sure how to approach it. I know it is wrong to compare myself with others. God created me to be who I am, but it is a gift for which I struggle to be grateful. I want to be little, to blend in, to be feminine. I want to be secure. I want to feel secure.

I am getting ready to go on a short-term missions trip to share God's love with a people who don't know me - a people whose native language I don't speak and have no hope to understand. Talk about putting myself out there. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I am afraid. Not so much of the culture that I am going to visit anymore. I am afraid of who I am. What if the people I am going with see the real me? The insecure one. What if in my self-discovery I find out that I don't even like who I am? How will anyone else like me? What if I actually have to wear the bathing suit I am supposed to pack?

These are the random thoughts holding me captive today. I wish I could just rest in the knowledge of who I am in Christ - that I am fearfully and wonderfully made - that God has a purpose for the way He created me - that He formed me to be who I am (whether I like me or not) - that He is sufficient for all of my shortcomings. I want my head knowledge to be heart knowledge. I want my security to be found in that.

...and I want to be assured that I will NOT have to wear a swimsuit in Serbia. I am guessing the latter will not be the case as it is a youth camp, but hey...we have not because we ask not, right? :)

Amusing God

Sometimes I don’t have a clue as to my purpose in life. Is it to be the best wife and mother that I can be? Is it to be the best administrative assistant in the world? Is it to make a difference for Christ? Today, I think I figured it out. My sole purpose in this life is to amuse God.

Let me give you an example. I recently started attending a study called “A Woman After God’s Own Heart,” and I keep missing it. Not the study – although I missed it this week – I keep missing the big picture. I say things like “Yes, Lord, but…” How crazy is that? I am telling the God of the universe who created me and everything in all creation that I know more about what is best for me than He does – that my plan is better than His. That’s craziness.

I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result, and yet I do that regularly in my walk with Christ. I make the same mistakes over and over, and yet I think I am going to grow in my faith. Very patiently, God watches my vain attempts and chuckles.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think He is chuckling in a “wow, you’re stupid” sort of way. I think He chuckles in an “I can’t wait to see her joy when she gets it” sort of way – an “I wish she could see what she is missing” sort of way.

You see, I know that God loves me through all of my insanity. He is watching me grow, and He takes joy in each of my baby steps toward submission. He chuckled when I said I wasn’t contemplating a mission trip this summer, because He knew that I would. I am sure He laughed out loud when I said there was no way I would go to Serbia, because He knew that not only would I go, I would be excited about it. I think He is chuckling even now as I am looking at the details and getting caught up in the totally unimportant. I don’t know why He is chuckling – yet – but I will, and I can’t wait, because, each time God chuckles, I learn something more about His love for me. And, it is in those chuckles that I grow.

Thought to ponder: If my purpose in life is to amuse God, and I am very good at that, does that mean I am already a woman after God’s own heart? I sure hope so. :)

Serbia

There are times when I wish that I were a stay-at-home mom again. I wish I could say that it is for some noble purpose like spending more time focused on caring for my family. While that is true, and a definite benefit of not working, my main reason is that it would give me more time to write! I have had thoughts for several blog posts recently, but the urgency waned as days passed and now those thoughts will have to wait for another chance on another day.

Tonight, however, my thoughts are taking me somewhere I have never been. Serbia. When I was in high school, if you would have asked me where I dreamed of visiting, I would have said France. In fact, I took French as a foreign language in high school, and did quite well. After untold years of not using it, I remember very little, but at the time, I would dream of visiting Paris and experiencing the French culture - even if I only knew how to find the restroom and the bus stop :).

In college, if you had asked, I would have told you I dreamed of going to England. I had the world's most awesome British literature teacher in college. He had been to all of the places we read about and could take us there through his own personal stories. I could get lost in a countryside I had never seen - and language would not even be a barrier. I would still love to see them at some point, but that isn't exactly where my heart is leading me right now.

Serbia. Until recently, if you had asked me to rank all the places in the world I would like to visit, Serbia would not have made the top 10...or 20...or 30. In fact, it would probably ranked somewhere well below the jungles of Africa and only slightly higher than Iraq. To me, Serbia was a scary place. It was war-torn and dangerous. Did I mention war-torn?

Fast forward to a few months ago. I happened to sit in on a missions team meeting for our church. They were discussing the various mission opportunities that would be available in 2010. They were also tossing around numbers on scale of 1-10 as to the (for lack of a better word) intensity of the trips. Mozambique - camping in tents in the wilderness and visiting unreached African tribes ranked a 10. Helping with an Easter egg hunt in New York ranked around a 1. And then, someone mentioned that Serbia was a 3. A 3? That's crazy! Serbia was at least a 9 in my book. War-torn. Dangerous. Scary. There was no way they would convince me that Serbia was a 3!

Later I learned that one of the trips would involve English camps. I was so excited. I am not a doctor or nurse, and I doubt I would be much help on a construction site, but English I do. I have a degree in it. I speak it. This was a trip where I could truly use my talents. I couldn't wait to find out which trip it was. Any guesses? ... Serbia. And, who is the leader of the trip to Serbia? The world's best boss - my boss, Eric.

God has taken away every reason I can think of for not following His call to Serbia. My every instinct is to panic whenever I think about it, but God has given my heart and mind a peace that is beyond all human reason. This is so far outside of my comfort zone that I can't even see it from here, but I know at this point that if I don't go, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

So, that is the plan. God willing, in July, I will board a plane to one of the scariest places I can think of in the world. A place where I have no knowledge of the language. A definite 9 for me on a scale of 1-10, and I will be trusting God to use me in a mighty way through the gifts and talents He has given me. It still amazes me.

By the way...did I mention that one of the mission trips offered is to France. But my heart...is in Serbia.