Wednesday, December 15, 2010

An Ah-Ha Moment

I don't know what else to call it. Something just clicked.

If you have been a reader of this blog for long, you know two things about me. I love my job and working for my boss (that's one - it's compound), and I battle insecurity (that's two). The first one I don't want to change. The second one, I didn't know how to change.

If you haven't read my last post, you might want to stop here and catch up. I'll wait...

You know God's timing has always amazed me, but this week, He has blown me away. I knew when I heard Sunday's message that God was trying to get my attention again. I had grown so much in such a short time in Serbia, and I had done a pretty good job of living in that new reality. But Sunday, I knew that God was ready to take me to the next level if I was willing to let Him.

I scheduled a meeting to talk with Eric on Monday. (Having a pastor as a boss can have it's benefits. :) ) I shared with Him my struggles with my shiny bricks and that I really didn't know how to move past them. He told me that he had sensed that there was something holding me back, but he had never known what it was. That took me a little off guard. I had thought I had done a pretty good job of hiding those pesky bricks. He called it a speed bump, and as I started to share a little bit more about my past, I hit that speed bump like a shiny brick wall (Kinda ironic, isn't it?)

I pressed through it, though, and as Eric and I talked, he reminded me that God has been with me through it all. God saw the good and the bad. He felt the hurt. He has worked through those situations to make me who I am today.

I did a lot of processing yesterday, and last night God and I had a long, tearful chat.

I realized through my conversations with Eric, with Amanda, with God, and through my reading that much of my fear is based in past hurts - those stupid shiny bricks. I am afraid that if I let someone get too close, they will abandon me. I associate relationship with risk. I long to be protected, but in most instances, the people whom I trusted for that protection were the very people that hurt me in the end.

But then I read a quote from Beth Moore in her book So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend to Me:

Believe that He loves you and has you covered
and takes every one of your hits
as if they were aimed at His own skin.

God isn't like my earthly father who left after the divorce and chose not to be a part of my life. God isn't like the broken relationship from my freshman year of college. God isn't like the fiancée who chose to end the relationship rather than stand up to his mom. God has felt everyone of those hurts. He has been, and will always be on my side. Will I screw up? Absolutely, but He will still be looking out for me. He always has.

I believe that God has also shown me that some things that I have taken as symptoms of my insecurity are really just a part of who I am. I don't like to disappoint, and that is okay as long as I don't see my value in my successes. I don't like to be the center of attention, which is okay as long as I am not using the shadows to hide. I can be who I am without guilt. It's an exciting concept.

I am trusting that today has been a turning point for me. I believe that God has indeed taken me to that next step, and I hope that I have finally been able to scale that speed bump. I know that I have been able to let go of that bag of shiny bricks, and I am praying that I will have the courage to leave them in God's hands where they belong.

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