Choosing to See

Today has been an interesting day. Before you panic, I can assure you that I am in a much better place emotionally than the last post, so it is probably safe to continue reading...probably.

You see, God has been doing something in me that I can't quite describe. He is bringing me face to face with stories and analogies that I know are for my benefit, but I don't know how they will play out.

Take my Nook. I have a Nook Color, and I LOVE to read. Maybe it is because I am an only child, or maybe it is because when I read I hear voices in my head, but whatever the reason, I love to read, and I read what I consider "a lot." Not quite as much as my friends at Two Bibliomanics, but a lot. And, since I have gotten my Nook, I have been able to read a lot more than I did before - and yes Barnes and Noble is grateful - and profitable - buy stock. Anyway...

I recently downloaded Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman. I had heard the story of how the Chapmans lost their little daughter, Maria, in a terrible accident, and I was interested to see how their faith played out and how God was using their story. I am not quite finished with it yet, but when I read the first few chapters, I came face to face with...me. Our stories are a little different obviously, but if there was one person that I would love to sit down and just have a heart to heart chat with, it would be Mary Beth. She was so honest with her struggles - my struggles. She was able to put words to thoughts and feelings that I have never been able to put words to. And as you may have noticed, I use a lot of words. :)

Mary Beth begins the book by saying that it is not about the accident and, I see that through her story. Maybe for some, it IS about the story of Maria's accident, but for me, it is the story of someone very much like me who allows (sometimes reluctantly - which I also love) God to work through her story so that others will see Him through her eyes. And at least so far, it is an AMAZING story.

Enter Sunday morning. Eric spoke this weekend as we opened a new sermon series entitled According to Jim (based on the book of James). One of his sermon illustrations was from Voyage of the Dawn Treader, a book by C.S. Lewis, which I have not read, but apparently it involves a little boy and a dragon suit. As Eric described it, the little boy puts on this suit but then comes to the conclusion that he doesn't want to be a dragon anymore. Unfortunately, no matter how hard he tries to peel away the layers of the dragon suit, he is still a dragon. It is not until Aslan (the lion - aka Jesus) steps in strips away the layers that he is truly able to lose them. According to Eric the entire process is a bit graphic and painful.

I have to tell you, that scares me more than a little bit. You see, I have been trying to peel away the layers of my identity that are not of God. And I have been trying to peel away the walls that I have built up to protect myself. And yet, I come back to posts like the last one - ones where I am still a dragon. And each time I throw my hands up in despair and say "I can't do this!" And the reality is I CAN'T do this.

Eric said the little boy in the story had to allow Aslan (who is a lion remember) to sink his claws into the boy's dragon skin and remove it. Did I mention that Eric said it was graphic and painful?

So often God speaks to me through music, and tonight I heard a song that touched a nerve. It was supposed to be the main focus of this post, but I think God had other plans. I still want to share it with you because it is just another way that I see God speaking into my heart.

He's not mad at you

He's not disappointed

His grace is greater still,

than all of your wrong choices

He is full of mercy and he is ever kind

Hear his invitation, His arms are open wide

You can come as you are,

with all your broken pieces

And all your shameful scars

The pain you hold in your heart,

bring it all to Jesus

You can come as you are

Louder than the voice that whispers your unworthy

Hear the sound of love,

that tells a different story

Shattering your darkness and pushing through the lies

How tenderly he calls you,

His arms are open wide

You can come as you are,

with all your broken pieces

And all your shameful scars

The pain you hold in your heart,

bring it all to Jesus

You can come as you are

You can come as you are

Come as You are - Pocket Full of Rocks

Like the boy who was a dragon, and Mary Beth with her hurt, I pray that God will do whatever He must to take away the walls and layers that are not of Him. I think that is probably the scariest prayer I have ever prayed. But I want to choose to SEE.