Never Enough

This week has been a trying week. We have had more school delays and closings than school. I have used my anti-lock breaks more times than I think I have the entire time I have owned my car. My schedule at work has been abnormal due to a few extra meetings over the weekend, and to top it off, we are getting ready for a big GroupLaunch this weekend. (GroupLaunch is a program we have designed to help people at Pathway connect in small groups). GroupLaunch is to us what a shuttle launch is to NASA. This is a big deal.

This Launch will have a different format that the ones we have had in the past, and I am anxious to see it play out. Having been in on the planning and implementation from step one has been fun for me. I am sure that I am not as anxious as Heather, our Connection Coordinator, but I definitely feel a sense of ownership in the event; and I want to see it succeed.

That may be one reason why I haven't been sleeping well. I have a running list of things in my mind that I still need to get accomplished. There always seems to be just one more thing that needs to get done.

I have come to realize this week that "never enough" pretty much summarizes how I view my life. It's not a conscious thought. It's more of a vague feeling. And it comes in all shapes and sizes.

Some of it is relatively harmless. "I should have gotten one more thing checked off my to do list." "I wish I could have given just a little bit more." But sometimes, more often than not in my case, it is an overwhelming sense of failure.

A few posts ago, I mentioned that I had started on a weight loss program. Since that post, I have lost 30 pounds. I should be thrilled, but if I am honest, with you and myself, I don't really feel like I have lost a pound. I don't see it. I see that my clothes fit a little looser and I have been able to buy smaller sizes in my most recent clothing purchases, but when I look in the mirror, I see the same chubby girl. Each week I step on the scale knowing that I have gained it all back and more. I get so frustrated with participants on The Biggest Loser who lose 6 pounds in a week and feel bad, and yet I know that I would probably be one of them.

The thing that is the most frustrating is that I know that these feelings of inadequacy aren't pleasing to God. And, they certainly aren't from Him. They are the door that I can't seem to get closed, and every single time, they are the avenue that Satan uses to mess with my mind.

Will I ever be good enough? Will I ever be thin enough? Will I ever be likeable enough? Will I ever be enough? I don't know. I know the scriptural answer is that I am already enough. I am important enough that God sent His Son to die so that I might be His friend and live in eternity with Him. Shouldn't that be good enough? Nothing I can do will ever make me more precious in His sight. And, even if I have failed and feel like I am not worthy, God's grace is more than enough, so shouldn't that be enough?

The struggle inside of me is exhausting. Just once, I want to feel like I am enough. Enough of what I am not sure. I want to be confident. I want to be a friend. I want to be an encouragement. I want to be an example - a positive one. I want to feel like I fit in. I want to feel secure.

Baby steps. I know it's baby steps. I am farther along the path than I was pre-Serbia. Most days, a lot farther down the path. I try to take each situation, and each day, and live as the person I want to be rather than the person I am. It's difficult. And some days, I am more high-maintenance than confident. Thankfully, I have friends who love me and care for me and support me through those days - even the days when I have disappointed them.

I am just thankful that on those days - the days when I feel I will never be enough - God is enough. And that is something that will always be true. Maybe I should add trust God to my to-do list. :)