Bible study tonight was A-MAY-ZING. I am doing a Beth Moore Bible study on the book of Daniel. We are in the 2nd half of the study which deals with prophecy and end times, and I have learned SO much. I realize that Beth is giving us only one interpretation, but it makes so much sense. I find myself putting things together before she gets to her points at times. It is really exciting to see God's hand at work in such a precise way as Beth details the prophecies and their fulfillment.
Which is really pretty humorous considering the downside of my day. The best way I can describe it is...fail. I totally allowed myself to go to a dark place which spiraled out of control in a split second. It is a place I never wanted to be again, and have been trying for over a week to avoid. I literally allowed myself to get so spun out that I made my stomach hurt, and when I left for Bible study I was having mild anxiety attack. In fact, I almost didn't go at all.
Will I ever be able to avoid this?! I am beyond tired of being this person. I thought I was past it. I really did. I realized, even as I was spinning out of control, that it was totally stupid. I have all the head knowledge in the world when it comes to who I am in Christ. Why can't I get it to my heart? Why does it have to be so hard? Why can't I just trust that who I am is okay? Why do I always have to feel like if I do something wrong, no one will like me, and I will lose the respect of those I care about?
I want to believe that God loves me and is proud of me, and that He feels my pain and is sad when I am sad and that I can make Him smile. I want to believe that in His eyes, I am a princess. But I can't seem to see me through His eyes. I can't get past the hurt in my past. I know that I can't go back and protect myself from the damage that has been done. What I don't know is how to live outside of the walls that I have created to protect myself. And I have tried.
Yes, today has been an interesting day. My security has been shaken yet again. I believe the God of the universe can orchestrate to the day the times and events of the past, present and future that impact all of humanity, but I can't seem to trust Him with MY past, present and future. It's beyond sad.
So, for tonight, I will trust that tomorrow is a new day. I will pray that those who were aware of my anxious thoughts today will be able to forgive me for letting those thoughts take control, and I will begin at square one. Or maybe, if I am lucky, square two. I will once again try to trust my head even when my heart doesn't feel it, and trust that my friends are still my friends. And once again lay my shattered heart at the foot of the cross - trusting that God will make it new - this time for reals.
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