More

More is one of those words that can have many different connotations. I would certainly want more chocolate on most occasions, but if I see more rain in the next few days, I think I will scream. I would love to have more time to spend with my friends, but adding one more thing to my schedule could seriously send me off the deep end. I have more stuff in my house than I know what to do with, and yet it seems more sneaks in every day in the form of paperwork and mail and various little plastic toys from who knows where. As you can see, I have kind of an extreme love/hate relationship with "more".

The last few weeks, though, "more" has taken on a spiritual direction. I have said before that often God speaks to me through music. Back in October, I shared the words of a Sanctus Real song that had rocked my world. I had never heard anyone put into words the struggles that I had faced every day. Although it was disconcerting, it opened the door for me to share with some people that I trusted, cry a few tears - maybe more than a few - and begin to work through some of my insecurity. It was definitely a turning point.

Recently, God has rocked my world once again through a song. This time by Tenth Avenue North.

There's a girl in the corner

With tear stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered

And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?

I'm not who I once was.

And I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you?

Yeah don't you know who you are?

(chorus)

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it

That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling

That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers

And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better

But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

(chorus x2)

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,

But what He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

(chorus x2)

You've been remade

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You've been remade.

You are More

Tenth Avenue North

Once again, a song opened a place in my heart that I had never shared with anyone. A place I thought no one would understand. How often have I hidden in the corner for fear of being noticed? How often have I known deep in my heart that any mistake I made would be one too many mistakes for those I cared the most about and they wouldn't want to be my friend any more?

This morning, God and I were having a little...discussion. Well, it was a bit on-sided for awhile. It started out with my frustration over something stupid, but quickly turned to some deeper struggles that I have been facing. My immediate reaction was to take full responsibility and shut down - even with God. And just as my eyes filled with tears, this song came on the radio.

"There's a girl in the corner

with tear stains on her eyes..."

Do you think God knew where I was at that moment?

"...You are more than the sum of your past mistakes.

You are more than the problems you create..."

I really want that to be true. I realize that it isn't scripture, but I also know without a shadow of a doubt that God was speaking to me in that moment. No doubt.

I would love to say that all my insecurity is gone, but it's not. I can say, though, that I have grown. I have come to realize that maybe I am not as alone as I once thought.

I am also reading a book called The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg. The premise of the book is that we need to be the best version of ourselves. What works for one person may not work for another. It has been good for me. I am only a few chapters in, but it has helped me to let go of a lot of "shoulds." I am still learning what that version of me looks like, but I am pretty sure that it doesn't look like the image that I have created in my mind. And, for the most part I am really okay with that, because that image was more than a little daunting from where I am now. I am sure that there will be some sense of loss over a few things that I really, really want to be the real me, but probably never will be, but it is all part of the process.

I definitely have more to learn...but in this instance...I think "more" is a very good thing.