The Most Wonderful Day of the Year

This is my favorite time of the year. I love Christmas with all the pretty decorations and the opportunities to see the smiles of friends and family members. I love giving gifts and blessing others. But, very soon, it will be my absolutest, most favorite, bestest day of the year. January 1st.

It has been said, in this blog and in many offices and households which I frequent, that I am a perfectionist. I will grant you that this is not always a compliment, but overall, for better or worse, I have to own it. And there is something about January 1st that makes the perfectionist in me giddy (is that spelled right? Anyway...).

I spent today doing end of the year stuff in my office. I filed some finished projects, printed the end of the year budget report, created some new files for next year, and basically got my office cleaned up in readiness for the new year. It is my hope to do something similar tonight and tomorrow to my house...and my car. It's time to start anew.

I even gave this blog a new look!

2011 will also be the beginning of a new project for me. Becky Higgins' Project Life. Project life is basically a scrapbooker's dream and an OCD, photo-a-holic's nightmare. The goal is to take a picture a day documenting your every day life. You then use a very cool, color coordinated album kit to organize your photos with appropriate journaling tags, dividers, and so forth. By the end of the year, you have a (rather large) completed scrapbook of things that are important to you that you probably wouldn't have taken the time to scrapbook if it weren't for the project. I can't wait to see how it turns out. And, I can't wait to get together on a regular basis with several friends who are also doing Project Life.

I know that once 2011 has started, things will pretty much be the same as they are now, but there is something about the first day of a new year that reminds me that things can change. I don't think I am alone in that either. If I were, there wouldn't be millions of resolutions made on the first that probably will not make it until thirty-first.

So, in keeping with the spirit of the awesomest, bestest day in the whole wide world, here is my list of resolutions for the new year. :)

1. I will complete my Project Life album.
2. I will not freak out the first time I realize I forgot to take a Project Life picture on a given day.
3. On a similar note, I will not get out of bed for the sole purpose of taking a picture so that I do not miss a day of Project Life.
4. I will read at least two books a month.
5. I will actively participate in the Scripture Memory Challenge with the women's ministry at my church.
6. I will keep my car cleaned out enough that I can drive my friends to lunch on any given day without embarrassment.
7. I will finish my Serbia scrapbook.
8. I will finish the journaling and get my box of partially completed pages in a scrapbook.
9. I will get my children's scrapbooks caught up to their current year of school.
10. I will endeavor to schedule at least 12 family/couples/friends get-togethers - just for fun.

and on a more traditional note:

11. I will work toward having a more consistent, focused quiet time.

12. I will lose weight. (Goal is set, but will not be disclosed on this blog until it has been achieved.)

So there you have it. These 12 goals, along with continuing to work through personal issues while maintaining a positive attitude and strengthening my faith, and dozen or so other home and work related resolutions are the hot spots for 2011.

Even as I write this, a scripture verse is running through my mind...

In their hearts humans plan their course,

but the LORD establishes their steps. Proverbs 16:9 NIV

There were many things in 2010 that did not go according to my plan, and there were many resolutions broken, but I also know that I would not change where God has taken me throughout this year. I am most excited to see where He will lead me in 2011. I hope that you will walk with me on that journey. :)

An Ah-Ha Moment

I don't know what else to call it. Something just clicked.

If you have been a reader of this blog for long, you know two things about me. I love my job and working for my boss (that's one - it's compound), and I battle insecurity (that's two). The first one I don't want to change. The second one, I didn't know how to change.

If you haven't read my last post, you might want to stop here and catch up. I'll wait...

You know God's timing has always amazed me, but this week, He has blown me away. I knew when I heard Sunday's message that God was trying to get my attention again. I had grown so much in such a short time in Serbia, and I had done a pretty good job of living in that new reality. But Sunday, I knew that God was ready to take me to the next level if I was willing to let Him.

I scheduled a meeting to talk with Eric on Monday. (Having a pastor as a boss can have it's benefits. :) ) I shared with Him my struggles with my shiny bricks and that I really didn't know how to move past them. He told me that he had sensed that there was something holding me back, but he had never known what it was. That took me a little off guard. I had thought I had done a pretty good job of hiding those pesky bricks. He called it a speed bump, and as I started to share a little bit more about my past, I hit that speed bump like a shiny brick wall (Kinda ironic, isn't it?)

I pressed through it, though, and as Eric and I talked, he reminded me that God has been with me through it all. God saw the good and the bad. He felt the hurt. He has worked through those situations to make me who I am today.

I did a lot of processing yesterday, and last night God and I had a long, tearful chat.

I realized through my conversations with Eric, with Amanda, with God, and through my reading that much of my fear is based in past hurts - those stupid shiny bricks. I am afraid that if I let someone get too close, they will abandon me. I associate relationship with risk. I long to be protected, but in most instances, the people whom I trusted for that protection were the very people that hurt me in the end.

But then I read a quote from Beth Moore in her book So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend to Me:

Believe that He loves you and has you covered

and takes every one of your hits

as if they were aimed at His own skin.

God isn't like my earthly father who left after the divorce and chose not to be a part of my life. God isn't like the broken relationship from my freshman year of college. God isn't like the fiancée who chose to end the relationship rather than stand up to his mom. God has felt everyone of those hurts. He has been, and will always be on my side. Will I screw up? Absolutely, but He will still be looking out for me. He always has.

I believe that God has also shown me that some things that I have taken as symptoms of my insecurity are really just a part of who I am. I don't like to disappoint, and that is okay as long as I don't see my value in my successes. I don't like to be the center of attention, which is okay as long as I am not using the shadows to hide. I can be who I am without guilt. It's an exciting concept.

I am trusting that today has been a turning point for me. I believe that God has indeed taken me to that next step, and I hope that I have finally been able to scale that speed bump. I know that I have been able to let go of that bag of shiny bricks, and I am praying that I will have the courage to leave them in God's hands where they belong.

More than I can carry...

I have been mulling this post around in my head most of today. Well, not actually the post, but the thoughts, and I say most of the day because I took a rather lengthy, albeit unexpected, nap this afternoon.

I know that I have written before that I am blessed to work at my church, but have I ever told you how blessed I am to call Pathway my church home. It's not a perfect church, but I believe the leadership has a true heart for being obedient in their own personal walks with Christ and that ebbs over into the ministry. It's a great church.

One of the problems with being on staff at a church is that sometimes you can get caught up in the day to day functions as a staff and get a little, for lack of a better word, casual about the worship service. It's not that you don't attend, you can just get a little "distracted." Confession is good for the soul, right? :)

I have to admit that today was one of those days for me. Our senior pastor is doing a series on forgiveness. Last week I ended up missing most of the service because I wasn't feeling well, so this week, I was noticing all the decorations in the sanctuary, thinking that I should tell our worship arts what a great job they did. I was busy looking up the scripture passages on the new Bible I had downloaded to my NookColor which I am still learning to use, and in all honesty, I was only partially listening to what was actually being taught. And then he said it...

..."and we end up trying to carry more than we can carry"...

Those words, along with his visual of carrying bricks covered in shiny wrapping paper, struck a chord and reigned me in. From then on, he had my full attention.

I realized that is exactly what I have been doing. I have hidden each and every hurt that I have faced in pretty, shiny wrapping paper and carried it with me rather than dealing with it and leaving it at the foot of the cross where it belongs. I realized too, that I can't do it anymore. The weight that I have been carrying is more than I can carry.

I have to admit that I am not exactly sure what the next step is - and no, it's not because I wasn't paying attention. :) I am sure that there is forgiveness involved, but I don't know how to go about forgiving when the person I need to forgive is me. I just know that the weight of all those shiny little packages is overwhelming. I can't carry it any more.

The opening question for today's message was "What gift are you going to give yourself this Christmas?" I think it's time I gave myself a chance.

Several weeks ago I made the decision to lose some weight, but today, I realized that physical weight is only part of the problem. I need to figure out how to drop all those extra shiny pounds in a place where I will not be tempted to pick them up again. I need to live in the forgiveness that Jesus paid for through His death on the cross. I need to be free.

Today was one of many days when it feels as if my senior pastor preached a message just for me, and I am thankful for his obedience to speak from what God puts on his heart. God knew just what I needed to hear. He did his part through Ron. Now it is up to me to do my part. Whatever it takes.

Thankful

Now, our God, we give you thanks,

and praise your glorious name.

“But who am I, and who are my people,

that we should be able to give as generously as this?

Everything comes from you,

and we have given you only what comes from your hand."

1 Chronicles 19:13-14

I broke a tradition this year at my house. Until this year, I have been pretty set against any decorating or listening to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. It just seemed wrong.

Last year; however, I have to admit that I really didn't enjoy Christmas at all. It was nice, but I never experienced the peace that is supposed to be so much of what the holiday is about. We hurried to decorate and rushed from here to there, and we gave gifts (which is my FAVORITE part of the holiday - not the receiving but the giving). But the joy was lost in the to do.

This year, we have already started decorating our home (just a little bit), and I have enjoyed listening to, and singing along, with the Christmas music that some of our local radio stations have been playing to start the holiday season. And you know, that is exactly what it is...a holiday season.

As a culture we have no problem going from basketball season to baseball season to soccer season to football season. And these seasons each consist of more than one game, right? So why can't our holiday season contain more than one holiday? There is overlap in our sports seasons - just ask any mother. So why when it comes to celebrating all that God has done for us, are we so adamant that there has to be a very distinct difference. In fact, as Christians, aren't we supposed to be thankful and celebrate what God has done for us every day of our year?

But today, instead of writing a letter to Santa, I would like to write a Thanksgiving letter to God, and I would like to share it with you.

Dear God,

I wanted to take a minute or two today to thank you for who you are and for all of the blessings that you have given to me, and my family, and my friends this year. I know that we do not deserve any of them, but in your grace and mercy, you have chosen us to be part of your family, and I think that is pretty cool.

I am thankful for my family, both close and extended. I have thought many times this week about how they have impacted my life and made me the person that I am today. Some good - some not so good, but each a part of me.

I am thankful for my friends. Many of them have faced obstacles this year that I cannot imagine, and yet you have been with them, and continue to walk with them, through it all. I am thankful for that. I am also thankful that you allow me to be part of their lives. They are all unique, and I love each one of them.

I am thankful for the blessing of my home and my country. I know that I am sometimes frustrated and discontent, but I know deep down how very blessed that I am. And I know as a nation that we are not walking a path that you approve, but I am thankful for your mercy.

I am thankful that you walk with me every day. I am thankful that even in the times when I struggle, you are always there. I would like to say that I am thankful for the struggles, but I really can't. I hope that they will ultimately make me a better me than I am now; and I am thankful that you work all things for good in me as your child, but it would be a lie to say that I am thankful for the struggles themselves. Because of that, I am thankful there is forgiveness.

I am thankful to be blessed that my job is part of my ministry, and I am blessed to work with an awesome staff of people who love you and who want to serve others. I am thankful for the blessing of Eric and his leadership. I am thankful for the blessing of seeing you through his leadership and commitment to serve.

I am thankful for Amanda, Melanie, Chris, Pam, Becky, Sue, Susan, Denise and Annette. I am thankful that you have brought each of these people into my life in a meaningful way. That you have used them to support and encourage and to, at times, kick my butt, in my walk with you. I am thankful to you for the gift of their friendship.

I am thankful for Jay and the boys. Michael, Ryan and Jaron can drive me to the edge of insanity at times (as can Jay :) ), but they are gifts from you, and I am thankful for the opportunity to watch them grow and develop into the men that you have created them to be. I am especially thankful for the glimpses of maturity I see in each one of them from time to time - the promise that they are yours and that I have not totally screwed them up. I am thankful for Jay, for his love and support. For his dedication to providing for his family and to being there for us.

I am most thankful for Your Son. I cannot imagine what it was like to for You to send Him to earth to die for a people whose every inclination was to turn away from You. I am thankful for Your sacrifice. I am thankful for His willingness to die for me, and for Your persistence in drawing me closer to You. I am blessed.

Thank you for these things and so many more that are too numerous to count. You are amazing and awesome and holy and righteous and just, and I am thankful that I am Yours.

Love,

Staci

Regardless of the decor around your table today, I hope that you will take a few minutes to reflect on the true meaning of this holiday season - God's best gifts given to you. I am thankful that I can share my random thoughts with you. Your willingness to read my ramblings has helped me to process many things that until this blog I had been unable to put into words. So whether you realize it or not, you have been a blessing. And, I am thankful.

Who am I?

Sounds like a pretty simple question, doesn't it? One would think so. And, I would think that I would be the best person to answer it; because, who would know me better than I do? Right? I wish I knew.

This has been a difficult few weeks for me. In my Points post, I mentioned that I had set out on a plan to get healthy, and it has been going really well. I have lost weight each week (although I did struggle last week) and instead of cutting back on the caffeine, I have given it up altogether. I have yet to really see a difference in my appearance (although others have said they can tell that I have lost weight) and I still struggle with my lack of caffeine. I know that very little of it is a physical struggle though, it is an emotional one.

I fully believe that I am at a crossroad - not so much with my decision to live with or without caffeine - but at a crossroad that will determine whether I win or lose this battle with insecurity. The circumstances of the last few weeks have brought me to a place where I see myself reverting to the old me. The one that disconnects and hides to avoid being hurt. The one I promised myself I would never be again.

I went for a long walk tonight, and while it was cold, it was quiet. The sky was clear and the stars bright. I had hoped it would clear my head. Instead, I wrestled with my inner demons. I know that I am a child of God. I believe with all my heart that God created me to be who I am. I believe that He has a plan for me. I am good with all of that. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and that one day I will be in Heaven. Again, all good.

But...

When I look in the mirror, I see -

• the chubby girl - a giant who struggles to fit in.
• the ugly girl.
• the burden.
• the reason for Jaron's disabilities.
• the failure.

I share this not in a "woe is me" kind of way, but in a "this is me" kind of way. I want to live in the freedom that comes with knowing that I am loved unconditionally. I want to be secure in who I am in Christ. I want to be confident. I want to be this amazing person that I am not. I can put on the mask and sometimes see a glimmer of who I would like to be, but the real me is a mess.

I have a great support system. I am surrounded by Christian friends and family who encourage me and who pray for me and who are pulling for me to win. I am surrounded everyday with a group of authentic, talented people with whom I get to serve. I am blessed - and yet I struggle. It's crazy.

So who am I? I am really not sure, but I believe that the choices I am making right now, which road I choose to take, will make the difference between becoming who I want to be and continuing to be the girl in the mirror. It's a scary place.

Kindred Spirit

Disclaimer: The views shared in this particular blog post may cause you to be concerned about the life of the author as she is this passionate about an idiom. You may wonder if she even has a life as she knows that it is an idiom and what an idiom is. She does indeed have a grammatical soap box, and this is one of the times that she will boldly step upon it. It is her hope that you will read on, though, because she has learned a very valuable lesson that she would like to share.

Definition: Someone who feels and thinks the way you do.

I think that sometimes we take the meaning of kindred spirit a bit too flippantly. We think, for instance, that because we share the same taste in coffee shops with someone else we are kindred spirits. It is quite possible, however, that maybe we just haven't been introduced to the next best coffee out there. Once that happens, we will leave our kindred spirit in the dust and find another with whom we share our deep love of coffee.

I am sure that I have been guilty of using the term in this way, but this week I believe God opened my eyes to what a true kindred spirit is. It is Amanda.

I have been friends with Amanda for several years, but recently I asked her if she would be willing to be my accountability partner. I love spending time with her. I thought that she was someone that I could confide in and learn from, and I hoped that in some way, maybe I would be able to speak into her life as well. Plus, she has 4 adorable children whom I would love to spoil, three of which are GIRLS.:)

This week we were able to spend much of Thursday together. It was so much fun. We talked about lots of things. She taught me how to make home made laundry detergent. We talked about work and family stuff. I shared some things that I had been struggling with, and then an odd thing happened. She asked me a question with such detail that I thought she had read my mind. It was something that I had never shared with anyone, and yet she knew EXACTLY. It was almost word for word the thoughts that I deal with on a daily basis. I asked her how she knew, and she said that she used to feel the same way.

This isn't the first time that Amanda has shared something with me that struck a chord deeper than I could have imagined, so I am not sure why it came as such a shock. Although in some ways our pasts are similar, in many ways they are very different. Yet, we deal with the same personal struggles - and in much the same way. Amanda truly understands who I am in my scary places - and she is still my friend. That is my idea of a kindred spirit.

I am so thankful for Amanda. Her friendship has been a blessing to me in more ways than she could possibly know. I love that we can be honest with each other. I know that she faces her own struggles, and I hope that I can be the strength for her that she needs as she has been for me. I am also thankful that she will not let me stay where I am but that she encourages me to grow.

Do we like our coffee the same way...yes, but I believe our friendship runs way deeper than coffee. It has its foundation in Christ. And, I believe that He will continue to guide our friendship as we each grow closer to Him in our spiritual walk. I am blessed to have an accountability partner, a kindred spirit, and a friend in Amanda.

A Day Off

This Thursday, I will be taking my final vacation day of the year. It's not that I have a special getaway planned - or that it will actually be a "vacation" - but my youngest son doesn't have school on Thursday, so in the interest of not going to jail, I am choosing to stay home. Just kidding - kind of...

If you have read this blog before, or if you know me at all, you know that I LOVE my job. I am a ministry assistant at my church, and I believe I have mentioned a time or two that I believe I truly have the best boss in the world. :) Is he perfect? No. (Sorry Eric. :)) But he is an excellent leader, and it is a pleasure for me to serve as his assistant.

The problem with loving your job and having a great working relationship with your boss is that it can be easy to become a workaholic - something (contrary to popular opinion) that I would like to avoid.

I knew that being a pastor was a 24/7 proposition; but I never really thought that it would extend to administrative staff - and maybe it doesn't for some. For me however, it is such a joy to serve, that I can get lost in doing for others at the exclusion of some pretty important things - like home and family and friends.

I will admit that when I first realized that I would need to take Thursday off, I was frustrated. Having a limited number of days off can make one quite particular about how those days are used. I had visions of using it to get away and do something special - maybe take a trip, or spend the day shopping, or spend some needed quiet time by myself. Pretty selfish, huh?

The more I thought about it though, I started to embrace it for what it should be. A day to be at home. A break from work. A day to spend with my own personal SpongeBob who has a day off from school.

I often remind my children of the following:

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart,

as working for the Lord, not for human masters,

since you know that you will receive

an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.

It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Colossians 3:23-24

I love having the privilege of serving in the church as my job. I love working for Eric, and I want to serve him well because I am called to do everything I do as for the Lord. But, I love my little SpongeBob, and his siblings, and their daddy, and I want to give my all to them as unto the Lord as well. They are the first priority. Unfortunately, I think sometimes the latter feel like they are lost in my ministry to do list.

So Thursday, I am going to take a step back, regroup, and try really hard to take a break from being a ministry assistant to be the mom that God has called me to be first. I already know that I have God's (and Eric's) blessing. Now it is up to me to let go of those workaholic tendencies and enjoy it. Who knows, maybe SpongeBob and I will do a little shopping. :)