First, let me apologize for taking so long to get to this post. I have had so many thoughts and feelings to deal with that I haven't really had a moment to put my thoughts together in any semblance of a blog, but I have not forgotten. I just want to be sure that what I write is truly how I feel because a lot has changed since my last post.
First of all, I have fallen in love with Serbia and it's people. I could go on and on about the warmth and hospitality shown to us by our national team, our host families, the students and all of the Serbians with whom we were in contact, and it still would not give you a vision of how much we came to love them. I could show you the 1000+ pictures of our new friends and the Serbian countryside and it still would not give you a glimpse of how much places like Opovo, Ljutovo and Subotica mean to us.
We were also blessed with international friendships with people from Romania, Britain, Ireland and Australia. We even made a few friends from the States whom we didn't know before the trip. Those friendships literally span coast to coast. There is no way you could understand the impact that these people had on us unless you were there. It was an amazing trip.
And God showed up and showed off.
It began with me. Before camp began, He brought me to a place where I saw for the first time how much my insecurities and fears had held me captive. In His loving mercy, He took me out of my comfort zone so that He could show me that it wasn't a comfort zone at all. It was a prison. He brought me to a safe place where I could begin to live in the reality of who I am in Christ. He surrounded me with friends who held me accountable and reminded me that who I am is okay. It was an amazing transformation.
He also did amazing works at camp. The students were awesome. They came to learn English, but their hearts and minds were open to all that we had to say - whether they believed it or not. They shared their lives with us. They befriended us. They loved on us - and we loved on them. They stole our hearts.
So many things have changed in me since my last post, and I am still learning to live in my new reality. We sang a song every day while at camp called "Never Going Back to OK." I know one thing for certain, I will never be the same again - and that isn't OK. That's awesome.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
One Week and Counting
Today officially marks the one week countdown to my trip to Serbia. The last few weeks have been a total roller coaster of emotions, but most are not even trip related. It just seems there has been distraction after distraction after distraction ad infinitum.
I am really excited about the trip. I haven't started packing yet, but I have started a little pile of stuff that needs to go. Some friends and I are getting together tomorrow to knock out some of the shopping that we need to do. That should be fun. Our team is awesome. It has been fun getting to know them as we have prepared, and I can't wait to work with them at the camp.
I got to meet our Serbian contact via skype last week so I have another little picture of what to expect. I know that I really can't anticipate all that the trip will be until I am actually there, but having a few little glimpses has helped me to feel a lot more confident.
Our team dinner is on Sunday and our luggage weigh-in day is Tuesday. I have a feeling the next seven days are going to fly, but I am looking forward to stepping on that plane Wednesday and opening my heart to the Serbian culture on Thursday. It's going to be awesome!
I am really excited about the trip. I haven't started packing yet, but I have started a little pile of stuff that needs to go. Some friends and I are getting together tomorrow to knock out some of the shopping that we need to do. That should be fun. Our team is awesome. It has been fun getting to know them as we have prepared, and I can't wait to work with them at the camp.
I got to meet our Serbian contact via skype last week so I have another little picture of what to expect. I know that I really can't anticipate all that the trip will be until I am actually there, but having a few little glimpses has helped me to feel a lot more confident.
Our team dinner is on Sunday and our luggage weigh-in day is Tuesday. I have a feeling the next seven days are going to fly, but I am looking forward to stepping on that plane Wednesday and opening my heart to the Serbian culture on Thursday. It's going to be awesome!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Catching a Break - or Not
I realized tonight that is has been several weeks since I have posted. Actually, I notice that each time I bring up my internet; because I have it bookmarked in an effort to remind me to update it periodically, but I am usually too busy or two distracted to do much about it.
Tonight is only slightly different. I actually logged on to get a few things off my to do list, but it is quiet. And, since I have a few minutes alone, you get to be the recipients of my ramblings. Hopefully at some point you will be blessed and I will get my head on straight. That my friend, would be a win-win. We'll see.
Lately it seems that God is determined to teach me every lesson I ever need to learn BEFORE I go on my trip. It's kind of an "if it can go wrong, it will" type scenario at our house. Jaron's class in Carmel is going really well. He has already begun to make some progress in his coordination which is really exciting for us. It is taking a ton of money in gas, and I don't know what day of the week it is most days, but I am so glad we are taking advantage of this opportunity.
Since we have started these classes:
I have been reminded on numerous occasions that God is in control, and I believe that. I really do. He has given me an incredibly strong support base of people who are watching out for me and praying for me. They are amazing. They are the definition of true community, and there is no way I can ever repay them for all that they have done for me in recent days. I just really don't like being so high maintenance. I like to serve others and be there for others and encourage others. It's actually kind of hard being on the other end of the continuum.
So, as I continue to work toward my trip, and work out the final details of curriculum, and what I need to pack, and as I serve in my ministry to Eric and Journey Groups, and as I do all that I can to help my mom get herself situated, and try to be the best mom and wife I can be to the boys and to Jay, I will continue to press on. I don't know why everything happens at once, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. I may not understand it. I may not like it. But, I know there is a bigger picture.
I have a post-it on my desk. I think I blogged about it once. One of the statements is "ruin me." I kinda feel like God might be answering that prayer. He's taking away everything that says I can do this on my own, and He's asking me to trust Him and Him alone. It was a scary prayer when I contemplated it, and it is even scarier as I see it played out. This is new territory, and I think I am as frightened, if not more so, of the vulnerability that is coming out than I am of the individual situations in and of themselves.
One of my favorite passages of scripture is Philippians 3:12-14: Not that I have already attained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own, but one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (ESV) I can only trust that on the other side of the finish line, I will be the woman that God has called me to be all along. And that will be worth it!
Tonight is only slightly different. I actually logged on to get a few things off my to do list, but it is quiet. And, since I have a few minutes alone, you get to be the recipients of my ramblings. Hopefully at some point you will be blessed and I will get my head on straight. That my friend, would be a win-win. We'll see.
Lately it seems that God is determined to teach me every lesson I ever need to learn BEFORE I go on my trip. It's kind of an "if it can go wrong, it will" type scenario at our house. Jaron's class in Carmel is going really well. He has already begun to make some progress in his coordination which is really exciting for us. It is taking a ton of money in gas, and I don't know what day of the week it is most days, but I am so glad we are taking advantage of this opportunity.
Since we have started these classes:
- Jaron has had pneumonia.
- I have had/have bronchitis.
- My mother has sold her house and has 60 days to find a place to live.
I have been reminded on numerous occasions that God is in control, and I believe that. I really do. He has given me an incredibly strong support base of people who are watching out for me and praying for me. They are amazing. They are the definition of true community, and there is no way I can ever repay them for all that they have done for me in recent days. I just really don't like being so high maintenance. I like to serve others and be there for others and encourage others. It's actually kind of hard being on the other end of the continuum.
So, as I continue to work toward my trip, and work out the final details of curriculum, and what I need to pack, and as I serve in my ministry to Eric and Journey Groups, and as I do all that I can to help my mom get herself situated, and try to be the best mom and wife I can be to the boys and to Jay, I will continue to press on. I don't know why everything happens at once, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. I may not understand it. I may not like it. But, I know there is a bigger picture.
I have a post-it on my desk. I think I blogged about it once. One of the statements is "ruin me." I kinda feel like God might be answering that prayer. He's taking away everything that says I can do this on my own, and He's asking me to trust Him and Him alone. It was a scary prayer when I contemplated it, and it is even scarier as I see it played out. This is new territory, and I think I am as frightened, if not more so, of the vulnerability that is coming out than I am of the individual situations in and of themselves.
One of my favorite passages of scripture is Philippians 3:12-14: Not that I have already attained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own, but one thing I do, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (ESV) I can only trust that on the other side of the finish line, I will be the woman that God has called me to be all along. And that will be worth it!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Let the Chaos Begin
This is going to be a crazy summer for our family. (Stop laughing. I know it is ALWAYS chaos with our family, but this summer there will be even MORE chaotic than most.) :)
Thanks to the prodding of a friend, we think we may have found the missing piece to Jaron's issues at school. His inner ear. We have learned that the inner ear is not only responsible for balance, it is a key element in all types of processing done by the body.
Through that same friend, we were introduced to the Minds in Motion Center for Vestibular Integration. After some initial testing, we found that Jaron has a significant visual processing issue, and while that may have been devastating news to some, it actually brought us a sense of hope. We finally have an answer, and it is an answer that makes sense with all that we know about Jaron and how he operates. And, the best part is, they do not believe that it something that we will "just have to live with" as we have been told in the past. Study after study has shown that the therapy they offer can help correct processing issues.
The drawback...the program is only offered in Carmel, Indiana and Louisville, Kentucky. Carmel is two hours from where we live, and the summer program is two hours daily for four weeks. We didn't feel it was optional though. If this is something that can help Jaron, we felt we needed to make the commitment. So, thanks to the flexibility of my boss (I told you he was the best boss in the world) and my mother-in-law's willingness to help with transportation (also a major sacrifice), we will be participating in the MiM program for the entire month of June. Keep in mind that June 30th, I leave on my missions trip for two weeks.
I am so excited about what the future holds for Jaron. I can't wait to see how his world opens up and how he develops over the summer. And, although I am not terribly excited about driving 4 hours total for a two hour class every day, I am glad that I have the opportunity and resources to do so.
It is just another reminder to me that even at times when I think I see what God is doing in my life, it is only a small part of the tapestry that He is creating. I was focused on what I sensed was a snag in the thread, but He had a plan all along. It was evident by the way this whole thing came together. It was nothing short of a God thing, and for that I am grateful. It will be a strain, no doubt, but I am trusting in God's promise that He will not give me more than I can bear in Him, and I am stepping out in faith.
I don't believe that God is a God of chaos, but I think sometimes He allows seasons of chaos so that we will learn to hold on tightly to Him amidst the storm. And, without a doubt, close to Him is the best place to be.
Thanks to the prodding of a friend, we think we may have found the missing piece to Jaron's issues at school. His inner ear. We have learned that the inner ear is not only responsible for balance, it is a key element in all types of processing done by the body.
Through that same friend, we were introduced to the Minds in Motion Center for Vestibular Integration. After some initial testing, we found that Jaron has a significant visual processing issue, and while that may have been devastating news to some, it actually brought us a sense of hope. We finally have an answer, and it is an answer that makes sense with all that we know about Jaron and how he operates. And, the best part is, they do not believe that it something that we will "just have to live with" as we have been told in the past. Study after study has shown that the therapy they offer can help correct processing issues.
The drawback...the program is only offered in Carmel, Indiana and Louisville, Kentucky. Carmel is two hours from where we live, and the summer program is two hours daily for four weeks. We didn't feel it was optional though. If this is something that can help Jaron, we felt we needed to make the commitment. So, thanks to the flexibility of my boss (I told you he was the best boss in the world) and my mother-in-law's willingness to help with transportation (also a major sacrifice), we will be participating in the MiM program for the entire month of June. Keep in mind that June 30th, I leave on my missions trip for two weeks.
I am so excited about what the future holds for Jaron. I can't wait to see how his world opens up and how he develops over the summer. And, although I am not terribly excited about driving 4 hours total for a two hour class every day, I am glad that I have the opportunity and resources to do so.
It is just another reminder to me that even at times when I think I see what God is doing in my life, it is only a small part of the tapestry that He is creating. I was focused on what I sensed was a snag in the thread, but He had a plan all along. It was evident by the way this whole thing came together. It was nothing short of a God thing, and for that I am grateful. It will be a strain, no doubt, but I am trusting in God's promise that He will not give me more than I can bear in Him, and I am stepping out in faith.
I don't believe that God is a God of chaos, but I think sometimes He allows seasons of chaos so that we will learn to hold on tightly to Him amidst the storm. And, without a doubt, close to Him is the best place to be.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Shhhh. Don't tell.
Shhhh. Don't tell anyone that I am blogging. I am supposed to be working. Not on work stuff, I promise. I am supposed to be preparing for our team meeting tomorrow. Doing important stuff like looking over curriculum and memorizing the Roman's Road. I thought the Roman's road was only about 5 or 6 verses so that it fit into a cute little booklet (tract). But apparently the road is much longer an includes verses in Corinthians. (How exactly does that happen? - Probably the same way there is a verse in chapter one several verses in. Detour maybe?) I hope I don't get lost!
I also need to balance my checkbook and do a couple things on the internet. I have a weeks worth of e-mail in my in-box. I think I have actually dealt with all of it on my phone, but I haven't gotten computer savvy enough to figure out how to get my phone to tell my computer that I did. It's scary to think that my friends think I am good with technology. No, really. Scary.
I am about to get busted, I hear the rumblings of family headed for bed, but I just wanted to say "Hi." I miss doing things just for fun. Like blogging. I did however have a great time visiting with a friend tonight at the Mall. (Thanks for meeting me Amanda!) And, last night I had fun with Betsy. (Thanks Betsy!) I need to do more of that. Doing stuff just for fun is...fun! I realize it sounds like I do it a lot, but it has only picked up recently because I made it a priority. I wish I had done it sooner.
Well, I am off to tackle the Romans because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Wait...that is Philippians...must have taken a wrong turn at Corinth.) Anyway...for anyone reading these ramblings, thanks! I hope you have a great weekend and make it a priority to do something fun. It will make you smile. :)
I also need to balance my checkbook and do a couple things on the internet. I have a weeks worth of e-mail in my in-box. I think I have actually dealt with all of it on my phone, but I haven't gotten computer savvy enough to figure out how to get my phone to tell my computer that I did. It's scary to think that my friends think I am good with technology. No, really. Scary.
I am about to get busted, I hear the rumblings of family headed for bed, but I just wanted to say "Hi." I miss doing things just for fun. Like blogging. I did however have a great time visiting with a friend tonight at the Mall. (Thanks for meeting me Amanda!) And, last night I had fun with Betsy. (Thanks Betsy!) I need to do more of that. Doing stuff just for fun is...fun! I realize it sounds like I do it a lot, but it has only picked up recently because I made it a priority. I wish I had done it sooner.
Well, I am off to tackle the Romans because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Wait...that is Philippians...must have taken a wrong turn at Corinth.) Anyway...for anyone reading these ramblings, thanks! I hope you have a great weekend and make it a priority to do something fun. It will make you smile. :)
Sunday, April 25, 2010
An Art Form I Could Live Without
"Perfectionism is insecurity as an art form." (Beth Moore)
Ouch.
Yesterday, I attended a Beth Moore simulcast on her new book, "So Long Insecurity - You Have Been a Bad Friend to Me." This was a huge step for me in more ways than you can imagine. First of all, I have not been a fan of Beth Moore. (I can hear the collective gasp from those familiar with her studies, but hear me out.) It's not that I wished her ill or anything evil like that. She just reminded me of another speaker whom I once watched who seemed extremely Bible-based at the time, but now is the leader of a movement that it would be safe to say is a cult. There was nothing Beth had ever said or done to make me believe that she might go down the same path. It just concerned me that they seemed so much alike, and Beth already had such a huge following. I never even gave her a chance.
It was also a huge step because I knew if I went that God would expect a response - a response that I am still not sure that I am able to give. As I listened to Beth speak, totally loving every minute of it, by the way, I saw in myself so many of the things that she shared. And, I couldn't help but be convicted by what she said, because it is my life. My conflicted life.
Beth shared that insecurity isn't an "issue", it is unbelief. And, as much as I would like to say that isn't true in my case, it really is. If I believe the Bible, and that it is the infallible word of God, then I have to believe the parts about God's love for me and about how important I am in Him. I have to believe that He has a plan and a purpose for my life, and most importantly that He created me to be who I am in order to use me for those purposes. If he created me to be who I am, why am I so insecure? Why am I so afraid of what others think?
I still don't really know the answer to that question. What I do know is when Beth said that insecurity is unbelief, I was convicted. It is one thing to say that I am insecure as a person, it is an entirely different thing to say that my life is characterized by unbelief. That is frightening.
So, while I still do not know exactly how to get past my insecurities, I know that something needs to give. The life I have been living, driven by fear, has got to stop. God has blessed me with an awesome life, an awesome family and awesome friends - and He created me to be...me. I still want to do what I do well, but I don't want it to be for the wrong reasons. And, I never want my faith to be called in to question because of my unbelief in myself.
Who knows, you might even find registered for the next Beth Moore Bible study. My friends just might be on to something big. :)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Conflicted
I think I have a new favorite word. It's not necessarily a positive word, but it is just a really cool word. Conflicted.
I came across it one night when I was trying to figure out just what it was that I was feeling. I wasn't happy or sad or angry or tired or discouraged or any of the other normal emotions that one usually feels. I wasn't sure what to feel. I was conflicted. In some ways, I think I live much of my life in the state of conflicted. It's not the same as conflict. Conflict implies a different meaning - one that is rooted in dissension or anger. I think I would say that conflicted is more based in fear.
It still cracks me up that I am finding fear and insecurity to be such a stronghold in my life. If you know me, it probably cracks you up as well. I am not exactly the picture of fear and insecurity. In fact, if anything, I am the opposite. From all appearances, I am outspoken and confident. I tend to end up in situations where angels fear to tread. I am typically not afraid to ask hard questions or to speak in public. These are not exactly traits of the fearful and insecure.
I think that is why I like the term "conflicted" so much. It just describes who I am. It reminds me of a scripture actually.
I wish I could believe that I am the person that others see. I wish I could be secure in who I really am. I guess, in reality, the important thing is that I am secure in who I am in Christ. He loves me no matter what. I will always be his little girl and neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate (me) us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:39).
So while "conflicted" may be my new favorite word...and it may be the tag line of my life, I can still be confident in God's love for me. I can know that my fears and insecurities are not coming as a shock to Him because He made me to be who I am, and He is using others to teach about myself as well as about His love for me. That's pretty amazing, and in the midst of being conflicted, that knowledge brings peace.
I came across it one night when I was trying to figure out just what it was that I was feeling. I wasn't happy or sad or angry or tired or discouraged or any of the other normal emotions that one usually feels. I wasn't sure what to feel. I was conflicted. In some ways, I think I live much of my life in the state of conflicted. It's not the same as conflict. Conflict implies a different meaning - one that is rooted in dissension or anger. I think I would say that conflicted is more based in fear.
It still cracks me up that I am finding fear and insecurity to be such a stronghold in my life. If you know me, it probably cracks you up as well. I am not exactly the picture of fear and insecurity. In fact, if anything, I am the opposite. From all appearances, I am outspoken and confident. I tend to end up in situations where angels fear to tread. I am typically not afraid to ask hard questions or to speak in public. These are not exactly traits of the fearful and insecure.
I think that is why I like the term "conflicted" so much. It just describes who I am. It reminds me of a scripture actually.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do,
but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15
but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15
I wish I could believe that I am the person that others see. I wish I could be secure in who I really am. I guess, in reality, the important thing is that I am secure in who I am in Christ. He loves me no matter what. I will always be his little girl and neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate (me) us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:39).
So while "conflicted" may be my new favorite word...and it may be the tag line of my life, I can still be confident in God's love for me. I can know that my fears and insecurities are not coming as a shock to Him because He made me to be who I am, and He is using others to teach about myself as well as about His love for me. That's pretty amazing, and in the midst of being conflicted, that knowledge brings peace.
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