In a Moment

…a life changes. A young friend is diagnosed with cancer. A friend is moving out of state. A family dynamic changes. A job changes. I forget to breathe.

I am beyond blessed. Spoiled actually – though it is painful to admit. I live in middle class America. I am still married to the only man to whom I said, “I do.” I have three happy, healthy sons who drive me crazy as sons should do. We have a house with a two-car garage and two cars to go in it. My children are able to attend school, and two of them are in the Christian school that we chose for them. We are able to take vacations, and I have been blessed to able to travel to Serbia on a mission trip. I have amazing friends. My job allows me to still be there for my kids while serving in a church that I love. I have the “best boss in the world.” ☺

But it is so easy to lose sight of that - to lose the joy…in an instant. It has been one of those weeks for me. I realized that as far as I have come in learning to be me, I have only scratched the surface. As soon as my world is rocked, those walls shoot up and I disconnect and pull away. As much as I hate it, that is just who I am. If there is a phobia of admitting to one’s feelings, I think I have it. And, unfortunately, it overflows into my quiet times and my relationship with God.

A couple of months ago, I started reading Do You Think I’m Beautiful? by Angela Thomas. I just finished chapter 2. When I read it, it touches a place that I hid away a long time ago. Yesterday it made me cry. I want so desperately for her words to be true, but if they are it opens up a very scary world for me – a place of freedom. And for me, freedom brings vulnerability – and vulnerability hurt.

My safe little world was shaken in numerous ways this week, and on more than one occasion, I truly forgot to breathe. I am still struggling to breathe. I know that nothing happens that has not passed through God’s hands, and that there is a big picture somewhere where all this makes sense, but I am struggling to walk through it with joy. In a moment, or a series of them, everything changed, and I am not sure I am strong enough to handle it all with the grace and confidence that everyone expects. But, I am afraid of the consequences if I don’t.

I feel trapped. Trapped by circumstances and by the walls that have been built up over time. I want to run, but I can’t. And, I am a little afraid of what the next moment will bring.