Not Okay

Today has been a terribly emotional day for me. I am sure part of it has to do with the physical issues I have struggled with this week, but I think most of it has to do with the fact that slowing down brought me to a place of honesty that I had not been to in a long time. A place of honesty with myself.

I realized that I am alone. I know that I have family and friends, but sometimes even in their midst, I have come to depend on the walls that I have created to protect myself. And, while those walls do their thing to protect me, they keep me from making connections - life giving connections - with others. Pretty humorous considering my position at PCC.

I thought I was past this. I really did. Post Serbia I have tried really hard to open up and to allow myself to be who I am with others. And then, it happened. I was made aware of some hurtful things and the walls began to rebuild - brick by brick - until I feel like an outsider even with my friends. It's lonely.

I see my friends hanging out together, laughing and sharing, and I long to be a part of it. But I am afraid. I have a few friends, close friends, lifetime friends, who know me and love me anyway, but I have pulled away from them as well. Much of that has to do with time and distance, but I miss them. I really miss them.

I believe it comes down to choices. All of it. I have the choice to feel lonely or to reach out. I have the choice to join in the fun or to wait for an invitation that may or may not come. I have a choice to let the hurt bury me or to stand with what I know to be true and let the rest go. God has given me that choice. Just as he has given me the choice to live with Him or without Him. He has given me the choice to find my security in Him or in others. But I will be honest, sometimes having my security in Christ is still lonely when I feel separated from those around me.

Sometimes knowing the truth has its downfalls. I wish there was some truth, some bit of wisdom, that would be new to me and would make everything better. But, I have walked with Christ long enough to know that He is my strength. He is my shepherd. He is my security. He is my Father. He loves me no matter what. He will always be there for me. He feels my hurt and my pain. He knows me better than my self, and He loves me anyway. He has a plan for me that includes hope. I want to walk in those truths. I know them to be true. I just wish they were as much a part of my heart as they are a part of my head.

I am tired of struggling. It's not okay. There are days when I want to give in and retreat, but I realize that as lonely as I feel today, I am no where near where I was a year ago. And I never want to go back to that place. I was okay then - or so I thought. I had learned to manage my walls in such a way that I never had to face the difficult or the hurtful. I never had to face anything.

We sang a song in Serbia by The Afters, Never Going Back to OK. One of the verses states:

...I'm stepping out

and I feel so afraid

but as long as I am moving it's all right...

I am trying to hold on to that. One step at a time. And hopefully it is a step in the right direction because I never want to go back to ok. At least not the ok of a year ago. For now, I am not okay - and while that is NOT ok, I guess it is better than that alternative because I know that God isn't finished with me yet. Still growing. Still learning. Learning to feel again. Learning to trust again. Is that ok?