Me 101

The last couple of weeks have been highly emotional for me. Although I can't go into the details, I know that I alluded to some potential changes in an earlier post that have rocked my world. As I have processed these changes, and continue to do so, I have been learning a lot about who I am at the core. It's been kind of a crash course.

Lesson #1 - I have a serious struggle with anxiety. I guess I have always known that I do, but I have also have always been able to stuff all those emotions and fears and retreat when things got difficult. I have learned that when retreat isn't an option, terror steps in. I have also learned the best way to deal with that terror is to be honest about it with myself and with others. Things aren't nearly as scary when you aren't facing them alone.

Lesson #2 - I learned that I am different. I see things differently and approach things differently. I want to be an encourager. I will admit there are people who just drive me nuts, and I am not always encouraging. But overall, I try to be positive and build people up instead of tearing them down. For awhile this week, I thought maybe that was a bad thing, but as I have processed it, I have come to realize that I am kind of proud of that. I hope that is how people will remember me, and that I make a positive impact on those whose lives I touch.

Lesson #3 - I have got to have some golden retriever in me somewhere. I have taken several personality assessments in my life, one of the most popular of which describes people's personalities in terms of animals.

Lion - productive, strong-willed, decisive

Beaver - analytical, self-disciplined, organized

Golden Retriever - dependable, easy-going, loyal

Otter - outgoing, fun-loving, compassionate

I am a beaver/lion. That's not really a normal combination, but it is an "I want it done now" and "I know how it is supposed to be done" combination which pretty much describes me perfectly. I do not even understand otters. But somewhere there has got to be some golden retriever because I am dependable and loyal to a fault.

Lesson #4 - This one is still a bit fuzzy, but I think I am finally learning that, at the end of the day, I have to be happy with who I am and with the decisions I make regardless of others. They haven't walked in my shoes. They don't know my thoughts. And in most cases, they don't even know who I really am.

Lesson #5 - And the biggest lesson that I am learning is about vulnerability. When I am not hiding behind the walls I used to create, I am a lot more vulnerable to being hurt, and because I have been used to building up walls to protect myself, I am finding that I am pretty fragile in some respects. Thankfully, I have also learned that I have some pretty amazing friends who are willing to come alongside me and walk with me through those difficult times.

So there it is. The core curriculum to Me 101. It's been a tough class, but I hope that I have learned enough that when the final exam comes, I am ready. :)