Worth It

I love to read. Although I can't say that I am an avid reader like my friends at Two Bibliomaniacs, I love to get lost in a book. Typically though, I am not lost for long because I am also a quick reader. I am not a speed-reader, but it doesn't take me long to read a book...usually.

Do You Think I Am Beautiful, by Angela Thomas, is an exception. At a mere 167 pages on my Nook, it feels as though it is an obstacle that I may never overcome. Don't get me wrong. It is an AMAZING book. She writes with an honesty and openness that makes for an easy read, and the material is really good. I highly recommend it. It just hits a little too close to home.

When we first started going to PCC it seemed that every week Pastor Ron preached on something that I had been dealing specifically with the week before. It was almost like he had been listening in to the happenings of our home. As unnerving as that was, this is worse. It is as if Angela Thomas has been living in my head.

I saw Angela in person a few months ago, before I had read any of her material. Her story captivated me, but nothing like her writing. Her writing made me cry. I never cry when I read.

A couple of days this week, I have used her book as a devotional. Today, there was a passage that stuck out to me that I wanted to share. She was talking about the voices in her (my) head, and she likened them to the Peanuts character, Pigpen.

"Pigpen is surrounded by a cloud of dust everywhere he goes. That's me - just dust. So dusty, in fact, that I take the cloud with me wherever I go. So human. So prone to go forward and then turn around and move backward. I get it some days and then forget it on others. Thank goodness that God remembers I am just dust. His grace covers my inadequacies. His compassion waits patiently." Do You Think I Am Beautiful, Pg. 77

I get it some days...and then forget it on others. This could be the tagline of my life, and it is so frustrating. And to make matters worse, my insecurities scream on the days that I forget. They scream that I am not enough and that I am not "worth it."

There is part of me that wishes I had read this book before I saw Angela in person; but then again, I may never finish it, so I might never have seen her. Anyway…. There is part of me that would like to sit down and talk to her, but a bigger part of me is afraid of what she would see in me that I am not willing to admit.

I am not sure how someone who I have never actually met in person could know me better than I know myself, but I am thankful that God is patient and that He puts people like Angela in my life to remind me that I am not alone and that I am “worth it” to Him.